You

I cant get you out of my head.  The way you felt.  The way you touched me.  You made me feel alive again.  You made me feel things I had forgotten about.  I felt hot and sexy again.  God I want you again.  To touch your body all over.  Kiss your lips.  Touch your face.  Feel your body.  I need that again.  I want that again.

Mothers Day

Mothers Day is Sunday.  As much as I would love to be able to 100% enjoy myself I dont know that I will be able to.  I keep going back to Mothers Day 2007.  The worst Mothers Day ever.  It was about 5:30 in the morning and my cell phone was ringing.  It was my mom....from down stairs.  She sounded like she was in pain so I ran down the stairs to see what was wrong.  She said her stomach was hurting her.  I asked her if she needed anything.  She said she had been trying to call me for a couple hours.  I had no idea.  I felt horrible.  I remember going to get her ginger ale and banana popsicles.  Those two things she wanted when she was sick.  I didnt blame her.  Banana popsicles always make me feel better too.  As the day went on though she was in more and more pain.  I dont even remember what we did that day.  That evening though she wasnt feeling good at all.  I dont remember if I drove her or not.  I cant believe I dont remember that.  I just remember being at the hospital and Aunt Sue, Aunt Mimi, and Aunt Linda were there.  Thats when we found out the tumor was back. As the doctor put it "it was back with a vengeance".  Ok no big deal.  We just try new chemo and cut it out again.  Its just going to be a harder fight now.  Oh and how she fought.  I remember her making it a point to get released from the hospital in time to go to Aunt Sues church for some healer.  I have her prayer cloth still.  I miss you Mom.  I hope you are proud of what I have become and the life I am living.  I know I may not do all the right things in your eyes, but my life is pretty good.  I just wish you were here.

Crystal

Oh Crystal.  What the hell happened?  So much drama is going on now with the kids.  I just hope they are happy and healthy.  I worry so much about them now.  I feel like I failed you some how.  I wish we were talking.  Maybe then I would feel better about everything.  I just dont know what to think about it all.  All I know is you and my mom are together again.  Aunt Jean says your mom tried.  I dont believe it.  She didnt care what you did.  She let you do anything you wanted and never said no.  She never put her foot down.  I remember my mom going to get you from a party because your mom wouldnt.  She didnt care that you were pregnant with Brittany at a party.  My mom did.  My mom was there for you.  When everyone turned their backs on you my mom was there over and over again.

Pa's taco

Pa’s Tacos 

Cook and drain grease

3 pounds of meat...can be a mixture of meats..beef, pork, venison 

1 tsp Cayenne Pepper

1 Tbls Parsley Flakes

1 tsp Thyme

1 Tbls Cumin

1Tbls Garlic Powder

1 Tbls Oregano

1 Tbls Crushed Red Pepper

1 Quart of Tomato juice

Simmer all above ingredients for 30 mins

Add meat to sauce cook on low heat until sauce condenses to desired consistency.

New Years Eve

I have big plans for 2012.  Im starting the new year right.  Im going to go on a diet and start working out.    I have a total of about 80 pounds I would like to lose.  I just have to remember it takes time to see results.  Sure it will be hard work, but in the end I will be a lot happier.  Just gotta take one day at a time.  First change Im making is Im not buying pop anymore.  Ill allow myself one once in awhile, but I wont buy it.  I have some Jillian Michaels work out videos down loaded that I can use.  Plus the Zumba.  Even if I only do a couple routines in Zumba.  Its worth it.  I have to realize that I am fat, but dont have to be that way.  One day at a time.  I know I keep saying that, but thats what I need to remember.  Gonna buy more fruits and veggies to snack on.  It will be a good thing for the kids to see too.
Im excited for things to come for us as a family too.  Lots of good things are coming for us.  Ryan get hired on in a few weeks.  Thats huge for us.  I will be able to see the doctor and finally get back on meds to help me.  I cant wait for life to get better and better :)

Enough is enough

I have decided that enough is enough.  No more excuses.  No more bullshit.  I am going to lose weight this coming up year.  Im going to get everything in place to be able to have a routine to work out.  I have to make the effort more.  Im tired of not fitting in my clothes anymore.  When we go on vacation in July I want to feel better about myself.  I know realistically I wont be where I want to be, but I will be on my way at least.  Its not going to be easy, but I will take it one day at a time.  Set a goal to do and stick to it.  I need to get a new scale since mine doesnt work anymore.  Im going to do measurements once a week and weigh in once a week.  No one is going to do it for me, and the only way to lose the weight is to get off my ass.  This year will be different.

Grandpa

As I sit here thinking about tomorrow, I remember 3 years ago.  I remember the nurse telling Grandma to go ahead and go home and get some rest that nothing was going to happen for awhile.  It was also Johns birthday.  I felt so bad for him to be spending his birthday at hospice waiting for Grandpa to die.  I always knew that I had a special bond with Grandpa, but didnt really realize the bond my cousins had with him until that day.  I saw the same sadness in Johns eyes as I felt.  Even talking to John I could hear the sadness.  Sadness that I felt.  I felt like I lost a dad.  Grandpa had been there for me for so many things.  What was I going to do without him?  Who was I going to turn to?  The pain of losing him was almost as bad as losing my mom.  My mom.  I know she was there waiting for him and he went to her and hugged her tightly.  He was with his baby girl again.  The sadness in his eyes was gone now.