Soft Tissue Sarcoma

You are the bitch that took my mom away.  It all started Dec of 05...well really before that I guess, but it came out in Dec 05 that something was wrong.  I can remember sitting in the living room with Mom and Tina wrapping presents on Christmas Eve.  Mom was saying how her back was hurting real bad.  Tina offered to take her to the ER.  Mom kept saying no she will deal with it after Christmas.  Looking back I think she knew something was seriously wrong.  A few days after Christmas Mom went to the doctor.  He did an xray, and when he went in the room to her about it, she said he looked real upset.  He said there was a mass and she needed to go to an oncologist for more tests.  I remember her coming home from that appointment and her saying she had a mass.  I called Jack and told him he needed to come home that I thought Mom had cancer.  Of course at this time we didnt know the severity of it at all.  Through testing we found out that it was a soft tissue sarcoma.  Stage 4 cancer.  The worst kind you could have.  Not only did she have a huge mass attached to her back, she had lesions on her liver and lung.    She would have to start chemo right away.  We had high hopes, and kept thinking positive.  The doctors were great.  Everything looked good.  Nov of 06 the tumor had shrank enough to have surgery.  We went to Indy for her surgery.  I stayed as calm as I could, but inside I was terrified.  I remember talking to Aunt Jean a lot that day.  I know she wanted to be there, and did everything she could but wasnt able to.  Ill never forget when the doctor came out and said he was finished.  He sat us all down and told us what happened.  He had been concerned going in that the tumor was wrapped around her kidney and they would have to take it out.  But luckily it wasnt.  I remember looking down at his shoes for some reason.  There was blood on them.  I thought to myself....thats my Moms blood.  He said the tumor was about 10 pounds.  Later we found out that she also had a very rare cancer in her appendix.  When she was able to come home, I had to help take care of her wound.  She had been cut from breast bone to pelvic bone.  There had been an infection so I had to change the dressing 2 times a day and keep it clean for her.  A lot of people told me they couldnt believe I was doing it.  I just said...its my Mom.  How could I not?  She started a pill form of chemo to help with the lesions that were still on her liver and lung.  Mothers Day 07 she woke me up at 530 in the morning in severe pain.  She had been trying to call my cell phone for about an hour and I didnt hear it.  She couldnt yell loud enough for me to hear her upstairs either.  When I had went down stairs I saw that she was in a lot of pain.  She asked me to get her some ginger ale and banana popsicles.  Later that afternoon she was still in a lot of pain.  I took her to the ER.  While we were there Aunt Mimi, Aunt Sue, and Aunt Linda came up there.  Thats when we heard the horrifying words "Its back and its back with a vengance"  It appeared the tumor was bigger than the one they had removed just 6 months before.  I dont honestly remember if she came home that night or not.  I know a few weeks later she was back in the hospital.  The cancer was growing so fast there was nothing the doctor could do anymore.  I remember when Aunt Sue and Aunt Mimi came to tell us what was going on.  Not that we hadnt been up there to see her, but there was stuff being talked about in depth before us kids were told.  I think we knew before they even told us.  We knew it was bad when they said they wanted the 3 of us there.  The converstation was sorta a blur.  I just wanted to go to my Mom.  That night Garry and Laura came and got the boys for me to keep them for a few days.  I needed some time to sit with my Mom.  When I left Moms room that night at the hospital she told me "I dont know whats going to happen, Pat" I told her not to worry, we would figure it out.  I was still holding on to the hope that something could be done.  She told me she loved me, and I told her I loved her.  The next morning Aunt Jean woke me up real early saying Mom had called and she wanted us to go up there.  That morning started a very long vigil.  There was so many emotions that day.  We all knew her time was very near.  We didnt know how near though.  Through the day family kept coming and going, or coming and staying.  A lot of us didnt leave.  Monday morning we had a meeting with someone from hospice.  They werent moving her because the move alone would kill her.  She was going to die in the hospital.  I was out side smoking when they said it was coming.  I held one hand, and Jack held the other.  Bill couldnt bear to be in there.  Grandma and Grandpa were in there.  Aunt Sue and Aunt Mimi and Uncle Chuck and Aunt Linda.  I dont honestly remember if anyone else was in there.  I remember Uncle Chucks phone going off...his ring tone was monkeys...and Grandma getting mad.  Aunt Jean was talking about coloring Moms tattoo for her since she didnt get to finish it.  There was a lot of tears and plenty of laughs as we talked about Mom.  The doctor came in and said it wouldnt be long.  I remember close to the time she took her last breath.  Her breathing had gotten very far apart.  It sounded like she was sighing then nothing for a few seconds.  The space in between her breathes got farther apart.  It wasnt like you see in the movies or on TV.  I guess it took longer for her to die then I expected.  In the movies its fast and to the point. Thats not at all how it was.  But when she took her last breath you could tell.  You could tell when she was gone.  I just kept petting her hand wanting to yell at her to get up and open her eyes and fight.  I couldnt though.  I couldnt be selfish and expect her to be in more pain.  I just wanted her to be free from it all.  I was the first one to walk out of the room.  When I walked out one of the nurses saw me and gave me a hug and told me how sorry she was.  I walked to the end of the hall where the rest of the family was and just gave Bill a hug.  Jack came out and the 3 of us stood there crying and hugging.  "Its just us now" Jack said.

I miss my Mom every day.  I feel like there is so much I needed to learn from her.  I only hope I am making her proud.

One last thing...Fuck you cancer.  Fuck you.

Life is good

Well so far this year has been pretty good to me.  Ryan and I decided to start painting different rooms in the house.  What used to be the playroom is now a family room.  Ryan painted it brown...like a chocolate brown.  Its real pretty.  We do have a few things left to do in it, but its awesome.  We put the computer in there, and there is the love seat.  Some toys.  Last night Ryan painted the living room.  I told him he couldnt put a new TV in a shitty painted living room.  So we got a brighter yellow for it, and it looks amazing.  Still a few things to do, but it looks great.  Im excited to see the finished product.  We are taking the TV from the living room and putting it in the family room with the Wii for the kids.   I think in time I want to turn the back room into the game room with some game chairs and the Wii.  The next project will be the bathroom.  But I think thats going to be a weekend that Ryan doesnt have to work.  One room at a time.  Im already a happier person with the few changes weve made to the house.  I cant wait until its done.  It will take a few months, but we will get it done.  Life is good.  My birthday this year was awesome.  Went to Keller Williams with Lori, Adam, Cole, Tim, and Julie.  The walk from the van to the Park West sucked, but was so worth it.  I really want to go again.  Next chance we get we are all going again.  Life is good.  I cant say it enough.  Im one lucky lady.  Awesome husband, awesome friends....kids arent too shabby themselves.  :)

Anthony's labor

June 6, 2001 started just like any other day.  (Ive always wanted to start something like that) Really, it did.  I was almost 40 weeks.  Just a few days shy.  I had to go to the doctor that night.  5 something was my appointment.  Me and mom went to grandmas for a little bit.  Mom was making home made noodles.  Mmm.  I was fat and pregnant and my ass wanted those.  We actually went to Paragon...my favorite restaurant...before my appointment.  I was of course "starving" and couldnt wait for noodles.  I dont know for sure, but I think I had a cheese omelet.  Thats all I ever got from there...unless I got cream of potato soup.  So good.  So after we ate we went to the doctor.  The nurse called me back.  I peed in the cup.  She took my blood pressure.  She didnt say anything about it.  I didnt ask.  Went in the room and waited for the doctor.  I dont remember if my mom was in there or not.  I remember him coming in and checking me.  Told me I was only 1cm.  Then he said my blood pressure was on the high side and he was sending me to the hospital for induction.  Ummm what?  I was not ready at all.  So we went to the hospital.  Which was right across the street.  I got up to labor and delivery and got settled in my room.  The nurse came in and put a pill on my cervix to help get things moving.  She said it would help soften and open me up.  Thanks.  I think.  I wasnt allowed to eat or drink anything either.  Good thing I ate before I went.  But dammit.  That meant I missed noodles.  So we called grandma and let her know.  Aunt Mimi was working so she came by.  We called Aunt Sue and Lori and Aunt Linda and Crystal.  Grandma came up to the hospital.  I knew she would. Aunt Linda, Crystal, and Aunt Mini were there as well.  I knew I wanted mom in the room with me.  Lori was going to be, but for whatever reason she wasnt there.  So I asked Aunt Mimi.  She had helped in labor and delivery many times.  She was awesome.  I dont remember what time, but somewhere around  9ish I think we thought my water broke.  There was a lot of blood so they couldnt tell for sure on the test strip.  Thats when I got pitocin.  My blood pressure was being monitored by the auto cuff.  Thing was a pain in my ass.  I hated it.  The highest I saw it go was 200/100.  I know it was higher then that at one point.  I was allowed a few ice chips and sips of water eventually.  I remember asking Aunt Mimi for a drink.  I was trying so hard to be polite in front of her.  I didnt want to cuss.  I did get a shot of stadol and after that anytime I thought I cussed I would say Im sorry.  Only I wasnt cussing out loud.  I was apologizing out loud...just not cussing out loud.  Everyone laughed of course.  I was high.  Aunt Linda was trying to be nice and rub my feet for me.  I kept telling her not to touch me.  It really bothered me when she touched me.  I dont know why.  At some point my water really did break.  I remember laying there thinking....what the fuck was that.  OH MY GOD my water broke.  NURSE!!!!!!!  She came in and said she was calling the doctor and would be bake.  She came back with a few other nurses who opened up the little room where the baby goes.  Had I not been in pain like I was I would have thought it was pretty fucking cool.  So the nurse kicks everyone out except mom and Aunt Mimi.  I dont remember much after that.  The doctor came in just before 2 and said he would be right back.  Literally 2 minutes later he walked back in and in scrubs.  He said down and told me to push.  Next thing I remember hes telling the nurse to get the vacuum and cut my crotch open.  Then he stuck this thing up there and sucked Anthony out.  Um yeah thanks for the warning doc.  Anthony was born at 2:02am on June 7.  It was a Thursday.  I had a son.  My very first son.  He was 8lbs 1oz and perfect.....except the little spot on his head from the vacuum that looked like one of those hats Jews wear.  My tiny little baby.  I was in love like I never knew I could be.  I was also very scared.  What the hell was I going to do with this baby?  Who was going to take care of him?  Oh yeah.  Me.  Hes mine.  "Mom...help me change his diaper."

Anthony

Hmm.  Where to start?  It was a cold winter day.......
haha no really.  I met Mike when I was working at White Hen.  Him and his friends would come in almost every night and hang out.  Working midnights sucked, but when you had people come in to talk and hang out it wasnt bad.  We had hung out once or twice alone.  We went to this park one night.  We just sat on the play ground and talked.  I remember we actually played on the monkey bars.  We had fun.  When we were walking back to his truck he looked at me and asked if he could kiss me.  I had never had someone ask if they could kiss me.  I laughed and said yeah.  He was a great kisser.  Soft lips and like the perfect kiss.  I was infatuated.  Something was wrong with my car, and he offered to come check it out.  The day he came over there was a Bears game on.  He watched the last little bit with my brother, then we went in my room for a minute.  I dont remember how it started or anything, but we ended up having sex.  We both fell asleep after that.  When we woke up it was almost dark out.  We both jumped up, he left and I got ready for work.  Over the next few weeks we still saw each other a few times, but he was working a lot so he didnt come in much.  When Tiffany found out we had sex she told me I was pregnant.  I said whatever.  Because I was 18 and knew it all.  You cant get pregnant after having sex one time.  Well I mean I know you can, but as an 18 year old you think you are invincible.  Nothing can stop you.  So when Tiffany got tired of telling me I was, she went a bought a test.  Well 3 actually.  And some condoms.  She said if I wasnt then I could have the condoms so I didnt get pregnant, and if I was she was keeping the condoms so she didnt get pregnant again.  I told her I wasnt, but I would humor her and take the test.  I went and peed on the stick and came out and showed her.  She looked and bust out laughing.  She said thats exactly what it looked like when she found out she was pregnant with Dakota.  Fuck.  My.  Life.  Sure enough.  It was positive.  I called my mom who was at work.  I had told her the night before that I thought my period was late.  So I guess when I called to tell her I was pregnant it wasnt that big of a shock.  But it was.  Aunt Jean has told me that she freaked out.  I get it now.  Her baby was having a baby.  She was awesome though.  She was there with me all the way.  I remember when I called Mike to tell him.  He said "Im shaking like a retard".  How the fuck do you think I feel???  After that I didnt really hear from him.  I think I was about 4 months along he told me to have an abortion and he would pay for it.  No thanks.  He also told his friends that I was lying about sleeping with him.  Only a few really believed me at all.  He went on to be with this other girl...who is now his wife.  Never told her about me.  I dont fully remember how, but I think it was my grandma who called Mikes mom.  We did do the DNA test when Anthony was 3 months old.  Even though I knew he was Anthonys dad.  He looked like an idiot when it came back that he was the father.
Moral of the story....You can get pregnant by having sex only 1 time.  Swallow that shit next time.

Seriously?

Why is it kids feel the need to ask the same question 5 different ways over and over?  How many versions of "no" must they be told?  All day today Dylan asked "Can I play Wii?" At first my answer was not right now because I was waiting on the Comcast idiot to show up.  While the Comcast idiot was here he was good because he was on the computer.  After lunch it was right back to "Can I play Wii?"  No.  Its time to chill out for a little bit.  You just had the computer.  So after the other 2 got home I went a head and let them play for a little bit.  Of course all I heard was Anthony complain about not being player 1.  Dylan scream and yell because Anthony wasnt letting him do what he wanted.  Jonathan complain because he didnt get a turn to play....even though he went first as player 1.  Oh and then there was Cassidy shutting the TV off every few minutes making the boys yell.  After dinner watching Scooby Doo Jonathan felt that was the time to ask 50 questions about getting a pet.  IF we get a pet it will be a cat.  And that wont happen for a few more months.  No we arent getting a snake.  No we arent getting a turtle, or scorpion, or gecko, or lizard, or any other slimy nasty thing you think you are bringing in my house.  Save those things for when you are out on your own.  No matter how much you beg we will not have any of those things.  7:57pm.  "Bed time".  I say.  But its not 8 yet!  By the time you put your jammies on and brush your teeth it will be.  Up stairs now.   Im wating for the house to be nice and quiet so I can just listen to nothing.  Nothing is better then a quiet house laying in my bed relaxing.

Now that was really somethin'

Watching the video of Grandpas funeral makes me miss him even more.  He was always there when I needed someone to talk to.  When I got arrested I called him knowing he wouldnt judge me or be mad at me.  He was there to watch me graduate high school.  He was there when I had the boys.  He loved those boys more then anything.  Jonathan was his little buddy.  When Jenn took Jonathan it broke his heart.  Even laying in the hospital he wanted to see Jonathan.  I begged to get him there.  Breaks my heart that he never got to see him again.  I know hes watching over us.  I just miss him.  He always knew what to say to make me feel better.  He was my dad more then my grandpa.  He sat by me when my mom died.  He was there to help pick up the pieces.  He was the greatest man I knew.
Forever gone, but never forgotten.

Tired of you

Im sorta getting tired of the way you have been talking to me.  It seems like anytime I say anything you have a comment to make or you roll your eyes or I can tell by the look on your face you dont like what I just said.  I feel myself distancing myself from you right now.  You think you have all the answers for my life.  You dont.  You dont know my financial stuff because Im tired of you telling me what I have to do and what you would do.  Im not you.  You dont live my life.  I will deal with my bills the best way I can.  You seem to be getting very judgmental about anything I have to say.  Therefore I dont say much.  My life is getting better.  It is taking time to get it to where I want.  Im ok with that.  In a few months things are going to be so much better.  I shouldnt have to prove myself to you to be your friend.  You are supposed to be my best friend.