Feeling good

I started Zumba last Monday.  The first day was fun.  I was of course just figuring it out so I was unsure of the moves.  As the days have gone on though I have started to do them much better.  Today I actually did a few of the single dances and then did half of the Zumba Party.  I honestly dont really know what that is, but I checked it out.  Im going to do that tomorrow instead of what I normally do.  Im loving it.  Im going to get a scale on Thursday or Friday and weigh and measure myself.  Even though by then I would have been doing Zumba for almost 2 weeks.  Its ok though.  I was weighed last Monday at the doctor.  Aunt Jean told me she knows someone that lost 4 inches in 3 weeks!  I think if I lost that I would be able to notice in my jeans.  Im impatient.  I want results now.  I think thats why its been hard for me to stick to something in the past.  I got discouraged and gave up.  Not this time.  I camt.  I wont.  Really part of my motivation is because Lori gave it to me for my birthday and I dont want to not use it.  Its an expensive game, and for Lori to give it to me really meant a lot.  So when I feel like not doing it, I just tell myself Lori would be pissed if I didnt do it.  Not that I really think she would be pissed.  I dont think she would be anyways.  Well maybe.  I guess I would be if I gave someone a $50 gift and they didnt use it.  Waste of money.  So thats what I tell myself.  Lori will be pissed if I dont do it.  Its really fun too.  I love when the kids join in too.  Yeah gets annoying, but seeing Cassidy put her hand out if front of her to control the kinect cracks me up.  Or to look over and see Anthony and Jonathan have no rhythm like me.  Or watch Dylan flop his arms and jump up and down.....makes me smile.  I love 'em!

Steve

I guess I have to go back all the to how I met him.  I was in a yahoo chat room just talking and having fun.  Not really looking for anything from anyone.  Anthony was about 17 months old.  I had just broken up with Jason not too long before this.  Well this girl started talking to me.  Turns out it was Misty.  I had dated Aaron in high school and he was still with Misty.  I didnt know until the day I went to his house to surprise him and caught them in bed together.  There went that relationship.  No big deal.  So Misty and I start talking and she tells me how she left Aaron eventually and that he was real abusive.  She said she had a kid with him.  Then this guy starts talking to me.  It was Steve.  He said all the right things.  I was getting infatuated.  We eventually decided to meet when I found out he knew Misty.  They were good friends.  So Misty actually came and picked me and Anthony up and took me to Steve's sisters house where he was living.  My mom didnt like that I was going and taking Anthony.  But hey, I was 20 she couldnt stop me.  I ended up spending the night there.  Jenn wasnt home since she was working as a paramedic at the time.  He was watching her son Xander.  Xander was one of those kids that seemed to hate other kids.  He bit Anthony 2 times that night.  Later I found out that I wasnt the only girl he had going there.  Oh and he had just gotten out of jail for theft.  What seems like should have been a HUGE red flag, I saw the love of my life.  Yeah.  I was young and very stupid.  I wanted someone to love and not get rejected by.  After about a month of us "dating" he came to stay the night and never left.  My mom still didnt like him.  Should have been another red flag. Just after New Years I found out I was pregnant with Jonathan.  I was happy.  Steve was happy.  My mom was not happy.
 I was going to school and Steve was watching Anthony for me.  I was sitting in the computer lab one day and we were talking on chat.  Then he went quiet for a few minutes.  Came back and said that Anthony was choking on a banana and when he went to smack his back to get it out Anthony turned and he got his face.  I left school and went home to make sure he was ok.  It was about a 20 minute drive.  When I got home and saw Anthony's face I just started to cry.  He had a huge bruise on his face.  You could see the marks from Steves fingers.  That right there should have been another red flag.  But I believed him.  I even took the blame and said I did it.  Not that any one believed me, but I tried saying it was me.  A few weeks after that we ended up moving in next door to Jenn.  Rent was very cheap.  I was still going to school and had even started doing my externship for school at the doctors office down the road.  Things were going really good.  April 3 my life changed forever.  It was a Thursday, and I had to do my externship in the morning, doctor in the afternoon, and school at night.  After working, I ran home to see if Steve was going to the doctor with me.  Since we didnt really have a lot of gas he told me to just go and go to school.  Anthony was sleeping on the floor so I just left him be.  Didnt want to upset him by coming home for a few minutes and leaving again.  I got home that night about 830 or so.  Anthony was next door at Jenns.  She said she gave him a bath and put some Vicks on his chest because he seemed to be getting sick.  I didnt think anything of it.  It was that time of year for his allergies to act up anyways.  I took him and held him for a few minutes at home before putting him to bed.  Then I sat on the couch to do homework.  About 9ish there was a knock on the door.  I just thought it was Steves mom, Carla.  It was my mom.  She had never been there, and here she was standing in my door way.  She came in and we started arguing a little.  Steve had been laying down and came out of the room and started cussing and went next door.  Anthony ended up getting woken up so I went and got him.  He went straight for my mom.  He loved her.  Thats when she started saying something was wrong with him.  Said his lips were turning blue.  I didnt see it.  Yeah he was sick, but I didnt think it was anything more then that.  After a few minutes of arguing about it, we took him to the ER.  The doctor said it was probably just a cold and he was doing an xray to rule out pneumonia.  The nurse had been talking to us about getting new tooth brushes and making sure we werent spreading it back and forth.  Thats when the doctor came in and sat down.  I will never forget those words.  He said "We have a very sick little boy on our hands" I thought he had severe pneumonia or something.  More horrifying words followed...."he has several broken ribs, and a punctured lung."  He needed to be transferred to a bigger hospital more capable of handling things like this.  I broke down.  My mom started yelling at Steve asking him what he did, and yelling at me that she knew something was wrong.  At that moment I wanted her far away from me.  I wanted nothing to do with her.  I just wanted to hold my baby.  Jenn had gotten there at some point.  Since I was pregnant I couldnt go with Anthony to get the CT scan so Jenn went for me.  My grandparents were called.  Aunt Mimi had been up there already because her biological dad was there.  Aunt Sue came up there.  I dont know that I could really explain how I was feeling.  Somewhere in me I think I knew Steve did something.  At that moment I wanted another explanation.  He was so good at manipulating me though and telling me what I wanted to hear.  Unless you are in that situation you dont know the power someone could have over you.  Even in a situation like this.  I turned my back on my entire family for him.  I trusted him.  He was supposed to keep me and Anthony safe.
Anthony ended up getting transferred to Christ Hope Hospital in Oaklawn, IL.  I had never been in a hospital this big before.  It was like a scene from ER when all the doctors surrounded the patient to find out what was wrong.  I wasnt allowed in there with him.  I stood outside his room.  This man came and stood with me.  I later found out he was the minister of the hospital.  He kept asking me if I needed to sit down.  He noticed I was pregnant.  I just kept telling him no thank you.  I wanted to be able to run in that room when they said I could.  When I was able to see him he had a chest tube put in the drain the blood from his lungs.  He had to stay a few days.  My mom came up there and while we were sitting in his room someone from social services came .  I wasnt allowed alone with Anthony because they didnt know what happened.  I was devastated.  Thats when she said he wasnt coming home with me either.  He was going into foster care until whatever happened was figured out.  My heart broke.  No words can describe the heart ache I felt when they said that.  I was a bad mom.  My son was being taken away.  I failed him.  Steve talked me into leaving that night.  We went home, and I wrote out everything I could about Anthony.  What he liked, what he didnt like.  What kind of diapers to use.  What not to give him.  Anything I could think, I wrote.  He was in the hospital almost a week.  I went and saw him a few times.  Im not proud of that.  The day he was leaving, I went there.  I gave the social worker the letter I wrote for the foster parents.  Said good bye to Anthony and left.  I couldnt be there when they took my baby.  When he left and it wasnt with me.  My mom stayed though.  She barely left his side.
Through the next few months we were being questioned as to what happened.  It was determined that his injuries happened sometime Thursday.  Even after being told this by the doctors, I still didnt believe it.  Steve kept insisting he did nothing.  Even blamed my mom.  Sometime over the summer a cop came looking for Steve.  He had a warrant out for theft from when he worked at Pizza Hut.  He happened to not be there at the time.  I said I didnt know where he was.  At the end of August he had to go out of town for work.  He was working with a friend.  He had to go to North Carolina.  He was coming home August 31.  August 30 my water broke.  I wasnt due for another 3 weeks.  Jenn took me to the hospital and stayed with me.  She was the only one there when I had Jonathan.  Three weeks after Jonathan was born, I was arrested for Neglect of a Dependant resulting in serious bodily injury.  A class B felony.
Thats when I started to open my eyes.  Here I was going to jail.  Steve was hiding out back.  I was having to hand my 3 week old baby to Carla.

Thats where this story gets more complicated.  Thats for another time though.  Too many emotions right now.

Soft Tissue Sarcoma

You are the bitch that took my mom away.  It all started Dec of 05...well really before that I guess, but it came out in Dec 05 that something was wrong.  I can remember sitting in the living room with Mom and Tina wrapping presents on Christmas Eve.  Mom was saying how her back was hurting real bad.  Tina offered to take her to the ER.  Mom kept saying no she will deal with it after Christmas.  Looking back I think she knew something was seriously wrong.  A few days after Christmas Mom went to the doctor.  He did an xray, and when he went in the room to her about it, she said he looked real upset.  He said there was a mass and she needed to go to an oncologist for more tests.  I remember her coming home from that appointment and her saying she had a mass.  I called Jack and told him he needed to come home that I thought Mom had cancer.  Of course at this time we didnt know the severity of it at all.  Through testing we found out that it was a soft tissue sarcoma.  Stage 4 cancer.  The worst kind you could have.  Not only did she have a huge mass attached to her back, she had lesions on her liver and lung.    She would have to start chemo right away.  We had high hopes, and kept thinking positive.  The doctors were great.  Everything looked good.  Nov of 06 the tumor had shrank enough to have surgery.  We went to Indy for her surgery.  I stayed as calm as I could, but inside I was terrified.  I remember talking to Aunt Jean a lot that day.  I know she wanted to be there, and did everything she could but wasnt able to.  Ill never forget when the doctor came out and said he was finished.  He sat us all down and told us what happened.  He had been concerned going in that the tumor was wrapped around her kidney and they would have to take it out.  But luckily it wasnt.  I remember looking down at his shoes for some reason.  There was blood on them.  I thought to myself....thats my Moms blood.  He said the tumor was about 10 pounds.  Later we found out that she also had a very rare cancer in her appendix.  When she was able to come home, I had to help take care of her wound.  She had been cut from breast bone to pelvic bone.  There had been an infection so I had to change the dressing 2 times a day and keep it clean for her.  A lot of people told me they couldnt believe I was doing it.  I just said...its my Mom.  How could I not?  She started a pill form of chemo to help with the lesions that were still on her liver and lung.  Mothers Day 07 she woke me up at 530 in the morning in severe pain.  She had been trying to call my cell phone for about an hour and I didnt hear it.  She couldnt yell loud enough for me to hear her upstairs either.  When I had went down stairs I saw that she was in a lot of pain.  She asked me to get her some ginger ale and banana popsicles.  Later that afternoon she was still in a lot of pain.  I took her to the ER.  While we were there Aunt Mimi, Aunt Sue, and Aunt Linda came up there.  Thats when we heard the horrifying words "Its back and its back with a vengance"  It appeared the tumor was bigger than the one they had removed just 6 months before.  I dont honestly remember if she came home that night or not.  I know a few weeks later she was back in the hospital.  The cancer was growing so fast there was nothing the doctor could do anymore.  I remember when Aunt Sue and Aunt Mimi came to tell us what was going on.  Not that we hadnt been up there to see her, but there was stuff being talked about in depth before us kids were told.  I think we knew before they even told us.  We knew it was bad when they said they wanted the 3 of us there.  The converstation was sorta a blur.  I just wanted to go to my Mom.  That night Garry and Laura came and got the boys for me to keep them for a few days.  I needed some time to sit with my Mom.  When I left Moms room that night at the hospital she told me "I dont know whats going to happen, Pat" I told her not to worry, we would figure it out.  I was still holding on to the hope that something could be done.  She told me she loved me, and I told her I loved her.  The next morning Aunt Jean woke me up real early saying Mom had called and she wanted us to go up there.  That morning started a very long vigil.  There was so many emotions that day.  We all knew her time was very near.  We didnt know how near though.  Through the day family kept coming and going, or coming and staying.  A lot of us didnt leave.  Monday morning we had a meeting with someone from hospice.  They werent moving her because the move alone would kill her.  She was going to die in the hospital.  I was out side smoking when they said it was coming.  I held one hand, and Jack held the other.  Bill couldnt bear to be in there.  Grandma and Grandpa were in there.  Aunt Sue and Aunt Mimi and Uncle Chuck and Aunt Linda.  I dont honestly remember if anyone else was in there.  I remember Uncle Chucks phone going off...his ring tone was monkeys...and Grandma getting mad.  Aunt Jean was talking about coloring Moms tattoo for her since she didnt get to finish it.  There was a lot of tears and plenty of laughs as we talked about Mom.  The doctor came in and said it wouldnt be long.  I remember close to the time she took her last breath.  Her breathing had gotten very far apart.  It sounded like she was sighing then nothing for a few seconds.  The space in between her breathes got farther apart.  It wasnt like you see in the movies or on TV.  I guess it took longer for her to die then I expected.  In the movies its fast and to the point. Thats not at all how it was.  But when she took her last breath you could tell.  You could tell when she was gone.  I just kept petting her hand wanting to yell at her to get up and open her eyes and fight.  I couldnt though.  I couldnt be selfish and expect her to be in more pain.  I just wanted her to be free from it all.  I was the first one to walk out of the room.  When I walked out one of the nurses saw me and gave me a hug and told me how sorry she was.  I walked to the end of the hall where the rest of the family was and just gave Bill a hug.  Jack came out and the 3 of us stood there crying and hugging.  "Its just us now" Jack said.

I miss my Mom every day.  I feel like there is so much I needed to learn from her.  I only hope I am making her proud.

One last thing...Fuck you cancer.  Fuck you.

Life is good

Well so far this year has been pretty good to me.  Ryan and I decided to start painting different rooms in the house.  What used to be the playroom is now a family room.  Ryan painted it brown...like a chocolate brown.  Its real pretty.  We do have a few things left to do in it, but its awesome.  We put the computer in there, and there is the love seat.  Some toys.  Last night Ryan painted the living room.  I told him he couldnt put a new TV in a shitty painted living room.  So we got a brighter yellow for it, and it looks amazing.  Still a few things to do, but it looks great.  Im excited to see the finished product.  We are taking the TV from the living room and putting it in the family room with the Wii for the kids.   I think in time I want to turn the back room into the game room with some game chairs and the Wii.  The next project will be the bathroom.  But I think thats going to be a weekend that Ryan doesnt have to work.  One room at a time.  Im already a happier person with the few changes weve made to the house.  I cant wait until its done.  It will take a few months, but we will get it done.  Life is good.  My birthday this year was awesome.  Went to Keller Williams with Lori, Adam, Cole, Tim, and Julie.  The walk from the van to the Park West sucked, but was so worth it.  I really want to go again.  Next chance we get we are all going again.  Life is good.  I cant say it enough.  Im one lucky lady.  Awesome husband, awesome friends....kids arent too shabby themselves.  :)

Anthony's labor

June 6, 2001 started just like any other day.  (Ive always wanted to start something like that) Really, it did.  I was almost 40 weeks.  Just a few days shy.  I had to go to the doctor that night.  5 something was my appointment.  Me and mom went to grandmas for a little bit.  Mom was making home made noodles.  Mmm.  I was fat and pregnant and my ass wanted those.  We actually went to Paragon...my favorite restaurant...before my appointment.  I was of course "starving" and couldnt wait for noodles.  I dont know for sure, but I think I had a cheese omelet.  Thats all I ever got from there...unless I got cream of potato soup.  So good.  So after we ate we went to the doctor.  The nurse called me back.  I peed in the cup.  She took my blood pressure.  She didnt say anything about it.  I didnt ask.  Went in the room and waited for the doctor.  I dont remember if my mom was in there or not.  I remember him coming in and checking me.  Told me I was only 1cm.  Then he said my blood pressure was on the high side and he was sending me to the hospital for induction.  Ummm what?  I was not ready at all.  So we went to the hospital.  Which was right across the street.  I got up to labor and delivery and got settled in my room.  The nurse came in and put a pill on my cervix to help get things moving.  She said it would help soften and open me up.  Thanks.  I think.  I wasnt allowed to eat or drink anything either.  Good thing I ate before I went.  But dammit.  That meant I missed noodles.  So we called grandma and let her know.  Aunt Mimi was working so she came by.  We called Aunt Sue and Lori and Aunt Linda and Crystal.  Grandma came up to the hospital.  I knew she would. Aunt Linda, Crystal, and Aunt Mini were there as well.  I knew I wanted mom in the room with me.  Lori was going to be, but for whatever reason she wasnt there.  So I asked Aunt Mimi.  She had helped in labor and delivery many times.  She was awesome.  I dont remember what time, but somewhere around  9ish I think we thought my water broke.  There was a lot of blood so they couldnt tell for sure on the test strip.  Thats when I got pitocin.  My blood pressure was being monitored by the auto cuff.  Thing was a pain in my ass.  I hated it.  The highest I saw it go was 200/100.  I know it was higher then that at one point.  I was allowed a few ice chips and sips of water eventually.  I remember asking Aunt Mimi for a drink.  I was trying so hard to be polite in front of her.  I didnt want to cuss.  I did get a shot of stadol and after that anytime I thought I cussed I would say Im sorry.  Only I wasnt cussing out loud.  I was apologizing out loud...just not cussing out loud.  Everyone laughed of course.  I was high.  Aunt Linda was trying to be nice and rub my feet for me.  I kept telling her not to touch me.  It really bothered me when she touched me.  I dont know why.  At some point my water really did break.  I remember laying there thinking....what the fuck was that.  OH MY GOD my water broke.  NURSE!!!!!!!  She came in and said she was calling the doctor and would be bake.  She came back with a few other nurses who opened up the little room where the baby goes.  Had I not been in pain like I was I would have thought it was pretty fucking cool.  So the nurse kicks everyone out except mom and Aunt Mimi.  I dont remember much after that.  The doctor came in just before 2 and said he would be right back.  Literally 2 minutes later he walked back in and in scrubs.  He said down and told me to push.  Next thing I remember hes telling the nurse to get the vacuum and cut my crotch open.  Then he stuck this thing up there and sucked Anthony out.  Um yeah thanks for the warning doc.  Anthony was born at 2:02am on June 7.  It was a Thursday.  I had a son.  My very first son.  He was 8lbs 1oz and perfect.....except the little spot on his head from the vacuum that looked like one of those hats Jews wear.  My tiny little baby.  I was in love like I never knew I could be.  I was also very scared.  What the hell was I going to do with this baby?  Who was going to take care of him?  Oh yeah.  Me.  Hes mine.  "Mom...help me change his diaper."

Anthony

Hmm.  Where to start?  It was a cold winter day.......
haha no really.  I met Mike when I was working at White Hen.  Him and his friends would come in almost every night and hang out.  Working midnights sucked, but when you had people come in to talk and hang out it wasnt bad.  We had hung out once or twice alone.  We went to this park one night.  We just sat on the play ground and talked.  I remember we actually played on the monkey bars.  We had fun.  When we were walking back to his truck he looked at me and asked if he could kiss me.  I had never had someone ask if they could kiss me.  I laughed and said yeah.  He was a great kisser.  Soft lips and like the perfect kiss.  I was infatuated.  Something was wrong with my car, and he offered to come check it out.  The day he came over there was a Bears game on.  He watched the last little bit with my brother, then we went in my room for a minute.  I dont remember how it started or anything, but we ended up having sex.  We both fell asleep after that.  When we woke up it was almost dark out.  We both jumped up, he left and I got ready for work.  Over the next few weeks we still saw each other a few times, but he was working a lot so he didnt come in much.  When Tiffany found out we had sex she told me I was pregnant.  I said whatever.  Because I was 18 and knew it all.  You cant get pregnant after having sex one time.  Well I mean I know you can, but as an 18 year old you think you are invincible.  Nothing can stop you.  So when Tiffany got tired of telling me I was, she went a bought a test.  Well 3 actually.  And some condoms.  She said if I wasnt then I could have the condoms so I didnt get pregnant, and if I was she was keeping the condoms so she didnt get pregnant again.  I told her I wasnt, but I would humor her and take the test.  I went and peed on the stick and came out and showed her.  She looked and bust out laughing.  She said thats exactly what it looked like when she found out she was pregnant with Dakota.  Fuck.  My.  Life.  Sure enough.  It was positive.  I called my mom who was at work.  I had told her the night before that I thought my period was late.  So I guess when I called to tell her I was pregnant it wasnt that big of a shock.  But it was.  Aunt Jean has told me that she freaked out.  I get it now.  Her baby was having a baby.  She was awesome though.  She was there with me all the way.  I remember when I called Mike to tell him.  He said "Im shaking like a retard".  How the fuck do you think I feel???  After that I didnt really hear from him.  I think I was about 4 months along he told me to have an abortion and he would pay for it.  No thanks.  He also told his friends that I was lying about sleeping with him.  Only a few really believed me at all.  He went on to be with this other girl...who is now his wife.  Never told her about me.  I dont fully remember how, but I think it was my grandma who called Mikes mom.  We did do the DNA test when Anthony was 3 months old.  Even though I knew he was Anthonys dad.  He looked like an idiot when it came back that he was the father.
Moral of the story....You can get pregnant by having sex only 1 time.  Swallow that shit next time.

Seriously?

Why is it kids feel the need to ask the same question 5 different ways over and over?  How many versions of "no" must they be told?  All day today Dylan asked "Can I play Wii?" At first my answer was not right now because I was waiting on the Comcast idiot to show up.  While the Comcast idiot was here he was good because he was on the computer.  After lunch it was right back to "Can I play Wii?"  No.  Its time to chill out for a little bit.  You just had the computer.  So after the other 2 got home I went a head and let them play for a little bit.  Of course all I heard was Anthony complain about not being player 1.  Dylan scream and yell because Anthony wasnt letting him do what he wanted.  Jonathan complain because he didnt get a turn to play....even though he went first as player 1.  Oh and then there was Cassidy shutting the TV off every few minutes making the boys yell.  After dinner watching Scooby Doo Jonathan felt that was the time to ask 50 questions about getting a pet.  IF we get a pet it will be a cat.  And that wont happen for a few more months.  No we arent getting a snake.  No we arent getting a turtle, or scorpion, or gecko, or lizard, or any other slimy nasty thing you think you are bringing in my house.  Save those things for when you are out on your own.  No matter how much you beg we will not have any of those things.  7:57pm.  "Bed time".  I say.  But its not 8 yet!  By the time you put your jammies on and brush your teeth it will be.  Up stairs now.   Im wating for the house to be nice and quiet so I can just listen to nothing.  Nothing is better then a quiet house laying in my bed relaxing.