The bigger person

Over the past 7 years of our friendship there are many things that I wanted to say but didnt.  Things that I didnt want to say because Im not a mean person to my "best friend".  Things I thought would hurt your feelings.  So I didnt say them.  Since that email things have obviously been different.  You said some pretty mean things.  You say they were truthful, and maybe there was some truth to it.  I know I would never say the things you said to me to any kind of friend.  You tell me that you felt used.  So I stopped telling you things.  Why would I want to share any part of my life with someone for fear that they are going to say I used them?  The things you have done for me I appreciated.  You were able to help me in ways others couldnt.  But to throw that in my face now all the time is uncalled for.  Yes you did stuff for me.  Dont tell me I didnt appreciate it.  I really wish you wouldnt have done anything for me.  Then you wouldnt be able to say how much you did for me.  

You like to make comments on how Dylan is ADD or ADHD because of how he acts.  Ive talked to the doctor and the teachers.  No one is concerned about it but you.  But no matter what I say to you about it, he has it in your eyes.  Yeah Ive joked about it, but really that was because I didnt want to tell you to shut the hell up.  

You say how Cassidy controls me because she wont let me put her hair up, or because she wanted to wear a certain out fit one day.  Who cares if she wants her hair up?  Or if she wants to wear a skirt when its a little chilly?  Im not going to force her to let me put her hair up.  She will want it up one day.  If not oh well.  

It seems like nothing I do with my kids is "right" in your eyes.  Whether its the way they act, or how I discipline them you always have a comment.  Everything I do I feel you judge me and are just waiting to criticize me.  Just like when I was doing the 30 day shred.  You had lots of comments then.  Or when Lori got me Zumba.  Your comment was "is this going to be like the shred?"  Meaning "are you actually going to do it?"  I shouldnt have to prove anything to you.  If I do it then I do it, if not then its ok too.  Instead of encouraging me about any of it you say "prove me wrong".  No.  I wont prove you wrong.  Ill prove it to myself that I can do it.  

You have made plenty of comments about how Ryan and I are.  You like to tell me how miserable I am in my marriage.  Yeah for a little bit I really was.  No marriage is perfect.  I can at least look at my husband and know that I dont lie to him every day.  You are the one that had an affair, not me.  You look at Michael every day and lie to his face.  Dont tell me the mistakes Ive made in my marriage when you betrayed your husband. Dont tell me that its wrong how me and Ryan are, when every single day you live a lie.  I would never say anything to Michael though because thats not my place.  Im not going to ruin your marriage.  You can do that yourself.  

More of Mom's writings

As the dusk comes to settle,
the shadows merging as one.
Before you know it,
twilight falls upon us.
Gripping the earth in a cold winters grasp,
never knowing who will last.
Maybe no one,
maybe just a few.
With all God's blessings to see first light morning dew.

11-11-1999




The fear and tears are just below the surface.
The fear that you are about to leave, never to return.
The tears are there waiting to be shed when you are gone.
The emptiness they leave is like a hole that burns all the way through my being.
The pain is so intense it seems to numb me all over.
Happiness is fading, for the fears and tears are just below the surface.

8-15-1990





They call him by name,
there is no response.
The body intact, the mind gone.
Lost in the jungles of Vietnam.
He sees her face with bright shiny smile, no sign of memory of love gone by.
The mans body is back, the mind gone forever.
This is all they left of their love, so true.
The heat soaked days,
fire bomb nights is all he knows forever more.
No more love and safety, only fear and hate.
The man she loved locked behind the gate of a war torn soldier no one wants to celebrate.

7-29-1990

Pa's cookies

Growing up Christmas was always a great holiday for my family.  I have a lot of great memories of Christmas.  Including the year Lori pushed me on the ice and broke my arm.  Christmas was always about family and getting together.  Grandpa would start making cookies around Thanksgiving time.  Every year I helped him.  That was our thing to do.  I loved helping him make cookies and loved spending time with him.  Looking back I realize how lucky I am to have had a grandpa like him.  Even though I dont make as many as he did, I still make his cookies every year.  Some times they dont turn out as good as his, but the memories are brought back to life when I pull out his recipes.

Chocolate Snowballs

1 1/4 cup butter or margarine

2/3 cup sugar

2 tsp vanilla

2 cups flour

1/8 tsp salt

1/2 cup cocoa

2 cups chopped walnuts (optional)

Cream butter and sugar together.  Add vanilla to the mix.  Add all other ingredients.  Form into balls and chill in the fridge for at least an hour.  Roll into little balls and put on an ungreased cookie sheet.  Bake at 350 for 10-15 minutes.  Let cool and dust with powdered sugar.  

Rosettes (Iron cookies)

1/2 cup flour

1/2 cup water or milk

1 Tbsp sugar

1 egg slightly beaten

1/2 tsp salt

1 Tbsp vegetable oil 

Use a rosette maker and fry in lard.  Put on a paper bag to drain and sprinkle with powdered sugar.

Pecan Tarts

Crust

6 ounces cream cheese

1/2 lb butter

2 cups flour

Blend the 3 ingredients together.  Form into a ball and put in the fridge at least an hour.  Roll out using powdered sugar and cut with a cookie cutter. Press into greased mini muffin tins.  

Filling

1 1/2 cups brown sugar

2 well beaten eggs

3 Tbsp melted butter

1/2 cups chopped pecans

Spoon filling into muffin tins.  Do not over fill.  Bake at 375 for 25-30 minutes.

Filled Cookies

6 ounces cream cheese

1/2 lb butter

2 cups flour

Apricot filling

Prune filling

Blend the 3 ingredients together.  Form into a ball and put in the fridge at least an hour.  Roll out using powdered sugar and cut with a cookie cutter.  Spoon a small amount of filling onto each circle.  Fold and pinch the sides together.  Bake at 375 for 15-20 minutes.  Let cool and sprinkle with powdered sugar.

Candy

32 ounces white bark

4 Tbsp peanut butter

2 cups peanuts

2 cups pretzel sticks, crushed 

2 cups rice crispies

Melt the white bark and peanut butter in the microwave.  Stir in the other ingredients.  Spoon onto wax paper.  Let harden.

There you have it.  Family favorites!

Mom's writings

Anyone that really knew my Mom knew she loved to write.  I actually have a few of her writings. Some have dates and others dont.



In the arms of safety I will be.
Forever held in warm desire,
never to fall again.
The safety is there,
hand and hand with security.
Love will help hold them together,
bonded throughout eternity.
For now you hold their key,
forever more in love to see

Reba
7-16-1990





Here we stand going day by day.
Letting our love show the way.
One day at a time is what we said,
Time flies by mounting into weeks, months
and hopefully the years will soon mount up.
Never ending,
not to go without your sweet touch.

Reba
7-16-1990



Daughter

Tiny hands and tiny feet,

snuggled beneath the woolen sheep.

So sweet and smallbarely two feet tall

never again to be so small.

Her rosy cheeks, her dimpled smile,

just for her I'd walk a mile.

I can't believe God gave her to me, 

or how wonderful having a daughter could be.

By: Reba

The fear and tears are just below the surface.

The fear that you are about to leave, never to return.

The tears are there waiting to be shed, when you are gone.

The emptiness they leave is like a hole that burns all the way through my whold being.

The pain is so intense it seems to numb me all over.  

Happiness is fading, for the fears and tears are just below the surface.

He started out all pink and small.

The nurse brought him in.  

Such a tiny bundle to see for someone who made my belly swell.

At last to see the beautiful baby boy that grew in me.

The nurse put you in my arms and I checked you once, twice, assuring myself you did have ten fingers, ten toes.

Your hair was white blonde.  Not much more then the fuzz on a peach.

Your huge blue eyes drinking in all the wonders of your new world.

You started out allpink and small, not a hint of how fast you would grow.

I can't believe a few short years ago you were looking up at me with wide eyed wonder.

Now , I look up at you, not believing my eyes.

My little tiny baby has grown into such a fine young man.

You over flow with love, understanding, and strength.  Your road so far in life has not been an easy one, but you will grow stronger and continue to become a very fine man.

You have earned the love and respect from a great many people who know you.

I hope you will continue to draw on you inner strength and finish learning how to be a leader who does not have to follow the foot steps of the crowd.

Always remember, never forget that I love, respect, and admire you for the person you are and I will always stand by you no matter what your decisions in life may be.

Loving you always, 

Mom

Broken

Broken hearts, broken dreams, 

Broken lives, torn at the seams.

Broken promises of final school day fun.

The end of life that has just begun.

Broken families, broken friends,

When will it ever end?

By: Reba Spoor

4-23-1999

I have been searching for my missing part.  Someone who will care for me, hold me, accept me as I am and not expect me to give them more than they give me.

All my life I have had only bits and pieces of this person in whomever I was with.

Until now, he has shown me that he has feelings, he somewhat accepted me, he did not ask of me what I could not offer at this time.  Mostly all I have really wanted was to be held and made to feel like he never wanted me to go, as much as I wanted to stay.  And he gave that to me, I must thank him for those brief and very precious in my heart moments.

Sadly I must admit thought that he does not care, want, or need me like I may have needed him.

I am scared to try and search once more for I cannot withstand the pain.  The tears have all gone through the cases and stained my pillow with hurt forever.

I joke and laugh, so I dont cry in anyones presence.  The pain is getting worse though and my friends see it and they feel its wrath.

Why couldnt he tell me it was nothing or good-bye?  Why did he have to come over and hold me again?  Why say you will call, when you really wont?  Why let me open up and talk to you, laugh, and joke?  Is this all some sort of game you like to play?  Or is it just someone else leading the dance in your life?  Your missing part that made you whole?

I wish that I could just wipe away these feelings I have and draw myself a silent part to make me whole...to help me complete my lifes journey without hesitations or regrets.

I feel lost and alone, so much to give to someone special.  Someone who wants, need, cares about and loves just me, Reba, not the mother, daughter, sister, friend or worker.....just Reba.

He is always there for his little girl, no matter how big she is.

Giving advise even when not asked.

Picking up on problems even Mom may miss.

Giving me enough tomboyishness to survive whatever may come my way.

Buffering the blows between sibling rivalries (even if he knew me to be at fault).

Having an endless supply of love that only a father can have.

Yes, he is a pretty terrific guy, and I hope he could always think of me as Daddy's Little Girl.

With all the love I have for you on this Father's Day, 1986

Reba

Your stature is tall, your arms are strong.

Your face is rugged showing the years of fight.

Your smile is warm, your touch, oh so light

Your embrace is strong and light.

A gentle man not at first sight.

When you are near, the gentle man appears.

Rough on the edges, but warm and precious.

You take me by surprise every time we meet.

There are no weak knees or quivering heartbeat.  

Just a calm.

No up and down uncontrolled emotions, 

just relaxed understanding respect 

and yes, even some love from you.

Reba 7-16-1990

Mother's Day

Mother's Day 2001 I was pregnant with Anthony.  I considered myself a mother at that time.  I was...sorta.  He was just still in my belly.
Mother's Day 2002 I had this amazing little boy.  He was almost 1 and he was the best thing that happened to me.  My Mom was there, and Im sure we went over to Grandmas.  We went there a lot.
Mother's Day 2003 I cried for my little boy.  I cried wanting him to be home with me.  I was pregnant with Jonathan, and life had changed a lot.
Mother's Day 2004 I dont remember if I got to see my kids or not.  I didnt have them.  Hell I was living with Jenn at that point.  I probably worked.
Mother's Day 2005 I had just found out Dylan was on the way a few weeks before.  I had my boys, and life was good.
Mother's Day  2006 I had my 3 wonderful boys.  We had known for a few months about Moms cancer.  Probably went to Grandmas.
Mother's Day 2007 We were told the most horrible thing.  Moms tumor was back.  I will not forget that day. That Mother's Day.  My last Mother's Day with a mom.  The ones before I took for granted.  The ones after were never the same.  I have these amazing kids that made me a mother, but Mother's Day will never be the same.  Sure I can call Grandma or Aunt Jean and tell them Happy Mother's Day, but I want my mom.  I want to call her and tell her Happy Mother's Day.  I want to hear her voice again.  Even just for a minute.  I want her to hug me and tell me everything is going to be ok.

Tomorrow is Mother's Day 2011 and all I want for Mother's Day is to feel my moms hug again.  To hear her voice.  I miss you Mom.

Feeling good

I started Zumba last Monday.  The first day was fun.  I was of course just figuring it out so I was unsure of the moves.  As the days have gone on though I have started to do them much better.  Today I actually did a few of the single dances and then did half of the Zumba Party.  I honestly dont really know what that is, but I checked it out.  Im going to do that tomorrow instead of what I normally do.  Im loving it.  Im going to get a scale on Thursday or Friday and weigh and measure myself.  Even though by then I would have been doing Zumba for almost 2 weeks.  Its ok though.  I was weighed last Monday at the doctor.  Aunt Jean told me she knows someone that lost 4 inches in 3 weeks!  I think if I lost that I would be able to notice in my jeans.  Im impatient.  I want results now.  I think thats why its been hard for me to stick to something in the past.  I got discouraged and gave up.  Not this time.  I camt.  I wont.  Really part of my motivation is because Lori gave it to me for my birthday and I dont want to not use it.  Its an expensive game, and for Lori to give it to me really meant a lot.  So when I feel like not doing it, I just tell myself Lori would be pissed if I didnt do it.  Not that I really think she would be pissed.  I dont think she would be anyways.  Well maybe.  I guess I would be if I gave someone a $50 gift and they didnt use it.  Waste of money.  So thats what I tell myself.  Lori will be pissed if I dont do it.  Its really fun too.  I love when the kids join in too.  Yeah gets annoying, but seeing Cassidy put her hand out if front of her to control the kinect cracks me up.  Or to look over and see Anthony and Jonathan have no rhythm like me.  Or watch Dylan flop his arms and jump up and down.....makes me smile.  I love 'em!

Steve

I guess I have to go back all the to how I met him.  I was in a yahoo chat room just talking and having fun.  Not really looking for anything from anyone.  Anthony was about 17 months old.  I had just broken up with Jason not too long before this.  Well this girl started talking to me.  Turns out it was Misty.  I had dated Aaron in high school and he was still with Misty.  I didnt know until the day I went to his house to surprise him and caught them in bed together.  There went that relationship.  No big deal.  So Misty and I start talking and she tells me how she left Aaron eventually and that he was real abusive.  She said she had a kid with him.  Then this guy starts talking to me.  It was Steve.  He said all the right things.  I was getting infatuated.  We eventually decided to meet when I found out he knew Misty.  They were good friends.  So Misty actually came and picked me and Anthony up and took me to Steve's sisters house where he was living.  My mom didnt like that I was going and taking Anthony.  But hey, I was 20 she couldnt stop me.  I ended up spending the night there.  Jenn wasnt home since she was working as a paramedic at the time.  He was watching her son Xander.  Xander was one of those kids that seemed to hate other kids.  He bit Anthony 2 times that night.  Later I found out that I wasnt the only girl he had going there.  Oh and he had just gotten out of jail for theft.  What seems like should have been a HUGE red flag, I saw the love of my life.  Yeah.  I was young and very stupid.  I wanted someone to love and not get rejected by.  After about a month of us "dating" he came to stay the night and never left.  My mom still didnt like him.  Should have been another red flag. Just after New Years I found out I was pregnant with Jonathan.  I was happy.  Steve was happy.  My mom was not happy.
 I was going to school and Steve was watching Anthony for me.  I was sitting in the computer lab one day and we were talking on chat.  Then he went quiet for a few minutes.  Came back and said that Anthony was choking on a banana and when he went to smack his back to get it out Anthony turned and he got his face.  I left school and went home to make sure he was ok.  It was about a 20 minute drive.  When I got home and saw Anthony's face I just started to cry.  He had a huge bruise on his face.  You could see the marks from Steves fingers.  That right there should have been another red flag.  But I believed him.  I even took the blame and said I did it.  Not that any one believed me, but I tried saying it was me.  A few weeks after that we ended up moving in next door to Jenn.  Rent was very cheap.  I was still going to school and had even started doing my externship for school at the doctors office down the road.  Things were going really good.  April 3 my life changed forever.  It was a Thursday, and I had to do my externship in the morning, doctor in the afternoon, and school at night.  After working, I ran home to see if Steve was going to the doctor with me.  Since we didnt really have a lot of gas he told me to just go and go to school.  Anthony was sleeping on the floor so I just left him be.  Didnt want to upset him by coming home for a few minutes and leaving again.  I got home that night about 830 or so.  Anthony was next door at Jenns.  She said she gave him a bath and put some Vicks on his chest because he seemed to be getting sick.  I didnt think anything of it.  It was that time of year for his allergies to act up anyways.  I took him and held him for a few minutes at home before putting him to bed.  Then I sat on the couch to do homework.  About 9ish there was a knock on the door.  I just thought it was Steves mom, Carla.  It was my mom.  She had never been there, and here she was standing in my door way.  She came in and we started arguing a little.  Steve had been laying down and came out of the room and started cussing and went next door.  Anthony ended up getting woken up so I went and got him.  He went straight for my mom.  He loved her.  Thats when she started saying something was wrong with him.  Said his lips were turning blue.  I didnt see it.  Yeah he was sick, but I didnt think it was anything more then that.  After a few minutes of arguing about it, we took him to the ER.  The doctor said it was probably just a cold and he was doing an xray to rule out pneumonia.  The nurse had been talking to us about getting new tooth brushes and making sure we werent spreading it back and forth.  Thats when the doctor came in and sat down.  I will never forget those words.  He said "We have a very sick little boy on our hands" I thought he had severe pneumonia or something.  More horrifying words followed...."he has several broken ribs, and a punctured lung."  He needed to be transferred to a bigger hospital more capable of handling things like this.  I broke down.  My mom started yelling at Steve asking him what he did, and yelling at me that she knew something was wrong.  At that moment I wanted her far away from me.  I wanted nothing to do with her.  I just wanted to hold my baby.  Jenn had gotten there at some point.  Since I was pregnant I couldnt go with Anthony to get the CT scan so Jenn went for me.  My grandparents were called.  Aunt Mimi had been up there already because her biological dad was there.  Aunt Sue came up there.  I dont know that I could really explain how I was feeling.  Somewhere in me I think I knew Steve did something.  At that moment I wanted another explanation.  He was so good at manipulating me though and telling me what I wanted to hear.  Unless you are in that situation you dont know the power someone could have over you.  Even in a situation like this.  I turned my back on my entire family for him.  I trusted him.  He was supposed to keep me and Anthony safe.
Anthony ended up getting transferred to Christ Hope Hospital in Oaklawn, IL.  I had never been in a hospital this big before.  It was like a scene from ER when all the doctors surrounded the patient to find out what was wrong.  I wasnt allowed in there with him.  I stood outside his room.  This man came and stood with me.  I later found out he was the minister of the hospital.  He kept asking me if I needed to sit down.  He noticed I was pregnant.  I just kept telling him no thank you.  I wanted to be able to run in that room when they said I could.  When I was able to see him he had a chest tube put in the drain the blood from his lungs.  He had to stay a few days.  My mom came up there and while we were sitting in his room someone from social services came .  I wasnt allowed alone with Anthony because they didnt know what happened.  I was devastated.  Thats when she said he wasnt coming home with me either.  He was going into foster care until whatever happened was figured out.  My heart broke.  No words can describe the heart ache I felt when they said that.  I was a bad mom.  My son was being taken away.  I failed him.  Steve talked me into leaving that night.  We went home, and I wrote out everything I could about Anthony.  What he liked, what he didnt like.  What kind of diapers to use.  What not to give him.  Anything I could think, I wrote.  He was in the hospital almost a week.  I went and saw him a few times.  Im not proud of that.  The day he was leaving, I went there.  I gave the social worker the letter I wrote for the foster parents.  Said good bye to Anthony and left.  I couldnt be there when they took my baby.  When he left and it wasnt with me.  My mom stayed though.  She barely left his side.
Through the next few months we were being questioned as to what happened.  It was determined that his injuries happened sometime Thursday.  Even after being told this by the doctors, I still didnt believe it.  Steve kept insisting he did nothing.  Even blamed my mom.  Sometime over the summer a cop came looking for Steve.  He had a warrant out for theft from when he worked at Pizza Hut.  He happened to not be there at the time.  I said I didnt know where he was.  At the end of August he had to go out of town for work.  He was working with a friend.  He had to go to North Carolina.  He was coming home August 31.  August 30 my water broke.  I wasnt due for another 3 weeks.  Jenn took me to the hospital and stayed with me.  She was the only one there when I had Jonathan.  Three weeks after Jonathan was born, I was arrested for Neglect of a Dependant resulting in serious bodily injury.  A class B felony.
Thats when I started to open my eyes.  Here I was going to jail.  Steve was hiding out back.  I was having to hand my 3 week old baby to Carla.

Thats where this story gets more complicated.  Thats for another time though.  Too many emotions right now.