Kevin

I can not believe its been a year already.  While your accident wouldnt have happened yet, today is the day.  I remember this day and the next so vivid still.  A year ago I talked to you.  You called to talk to Ryan and I answered the phone.  Your number is still programmed in our phone.  When we go up North we still go by your house.  Oh how I miss living 3 doors down from you.  Dylan loved being able to go to your house.  He loved when you would come over.  You used to call and tell us you were on the way.  Hours later me and Ryan would look at each other and wonder where you were.  Happened all the time.  You would get side tracked.  We would laugh about it later.  Dylans last birthday you were there for was his favorite.  He still talks about his favorite present.  The Dog N Suds root beer you gave him.  The boys loved you. We all loved you.  I wish Cassidy would have been able to know you.  I know you adored her.  I tell her often that she has a special angel looking over her.  

I wrote this after you died.....

Wednesday August 4, 2010 started like any other day.  Kids got up and watched some tv.  I drank some coffee while messing around on the computer.  I had to find out what was on sale every where.  I had to check and see if anyone posted anything on facebook while I was sleeping.  Checked in on babygaga too.  I looked to see if there was any drama that looked like fun to read.  There wasnt.  I decided I was going to Meijer so I could get back home faster and relax the rest of the day. Denise, Lori, Haley, and Brooke were in Indy that day for Brooke's doctors appointment.  I figured I would get back home in case they stopped by.  So the kids and I left about 1030 and went to Meijer.  We went and got what we needed at the store and came home.  We got home right before noon.  I grabbed the mail before we came in the house.  I looked through it and saw a letter from Anthony's school about what bus he was riding, and a letter addressed to me with no return address.  My name and address were typed.  I ripped it open not knowing what it was and saw the letter from the judge signed!  Jonathan was legally mine and I didnt have to worry about anyone coming and taking him again!!  I threw the few things in the fridge on my way to grab the phone and see if anyone called.  I saw the red light flashing saying we had messages.  I looked to see who called.  Denise, Shawn, and Lori all called.  I didnt pay attention to the times of any of the calls.  I didnt call and check voice mail, I just called Lori.  I knew she was in Indy and I was hoping she wasnt lost.  She answered the phone and I said, "Hey Lori I saw you called.  I didnt check the voice mail, I figured you may need directions or something." 

"No. Um actually is Ryan up.  I need him right now."  She sounded upset about something.

I said, "Is everything ok?"  I was worried.

All she said was "Kevin"

I knew something was wrong.

As we were talking I was walking to my bedroom to wake Ryan up.  I opened my door and yelled his name and threw the phone at him almost and told him to get up its Lori on the phone.  Something is wrong with Kevin.  All I remember Ryan saying is "What?" and "Ill be there as soon as I can"  When he hung up I said whats wrong.

"Kevin was in a car accident and I think he's dead."  The words made me almost fall.  My heart fell to my stomach.  I started shaking.  "What?!?"  "How!?!?"  I didnt know what to say. 

Ryan went on to say he didnt know the details, but Kevin was in an accident and hes dead.  He didnt want to be bothered.  All I wanted to do was hold him and cry with him.  I didnt know what else to do.  Ryan started making the phone calls he needed to for work.  I started packing the kids a bag.  I didnt know where they were going, but they were going somewhere for the night if not longer.  I dont remember what clothes I threw in there, nor did I care.  I just knew we needed to leave and get to Denise as soon as possible.  I knew she needed us more then anything right then. 

When Ryan was done with the phone I called Beth.  She didnt answer.  I normally wouldnt leave a message, but this time I waited for the machine to pick up.  I thought maybe she was in the middle of lunch or something and didnt want to answer.  Well too bad.  Youre going to answer your phone dammit.  I walked outside so I didnt have to say those words out loud in front of Ryan and the kids.  The kids.  How was I going to tell the kids.  When Beths machine came on I said," Beth you need to answer your phone.  Im not kidding.  Its an emergancy.  I need you.  Now!" 

Michael answered, "Whats going on?"

I didnt even know what to say.  I didnt know how to say it.  I just remember saying "Kevin was in an accident and he died." 

Of course Michael was in shock.  Same as me.  What the fuck do you mean Kevins dead??  This is a bad dream right?  No.  No it wasnt.  This was reality.  A reality where Kevin was dead and he is just a memory now.  After talking to Michael for a minute while he tried getting ahold of Beth, I called her cell phone.  She didnt answer the first time.  She called right back though.  She asked what was going on.  Im glad she stayed calm.  I was shaking.  I couldnt stop.  I just wanted to collapse.  Kevins dead.  Those words just keep ringing through my ears.  I ask her to take my kids for me for the night.  We were going up north.  Denise needed us.  We needed her.  I came in the house and Ryan was sitting in the computer room with a blank look on his face.  I came in and put my arms around him and held him while he cried.  He still didnt want to talk about it.  I didnt blame him.  I didnt either.  I didnt want it to be real.  How could this happen?  Is this really happening?  Why?  All kinds of questions ran through my head. 

We went and dropped the kids off at Beths about 4pm.  Ryan tried calling his boss again to talk to her directly.  She wasnt in yet.  We talked to Beth for just a few minutes then we were on the road.  I drove, and the closer we got to Hebron the more my stomach was in knots.  What were we going to say to Denise?  When we finally got to Hebron we went straight to Loris.  Adam was there with Doug.  Denise, Lori, Julie, Shawn, and Michelle went to the coroners office and would be back soon.  The hardest thing to do was wait for them to get back.  How were we going to face them? 

It still feels like a bad dream sometimes.  My heart still breaks for everyone.  Theres still such pain in everyones eyes.  Its not fair dammit.  Keep watching over us Kevin.  We love you and miss you every single day.