Grandpa

As I sit here thinking about tomorrow, I remember 3 years ago.  I remember the nurse telling Grandma to go ahead and go home and get some rest that nothing was going to happen for awhile.  It was also Johns birthday.  I felt so bad for him to be spending his birthday at hospice waiting for Grandpa to die.  I always knew that I had a special bond with Grandpa, but didnt really realize the bond my cousins had with him until that day.  I saw the same sadness in Johns eyes as I felt.  Even talking to John I could hear the sadness.  Sadness that I felt.  I felt like I lost a dad.  Grandpa had been there for me for so many things.  What was I going to do without him?  Who was I going to turn to?  The pain of losing him was almost as bad as losing my mom.  My mom.  I know she was there waiting for him and he went to her and hugged her tightly.  He was with his baby girl again.  The sadness in his eyes was gone now.

Happy Birthday Kevin

Today you would have been 29.  So much has happened since you died.  The kids miss you.  We miss you.  Your mom has such a sadness in her eyes.  I wish there was something I could do to make it go away, but I know theres not.  Yesterday you would have found out Michelle is pregnant.  I know how much you loved all your nieces and nephews, and I have no doubt you would have loved this news.  Im sure you would have had a few smartass things to say about Shawn becoming a dad.  The news yesterday made me thrilled for them, but sad.  I know what a great uncle you were to my kids and Loris girls.  You loved them all.  It makes me sad that the kids will grow up without you.
Saturday is your party.  You know Ryan B will have it every year.  We will never forget you.  You will always be a part of our life no matter what.

Happy Birthday Kevin.  I hope you are partying with your dad today.  Watch over us Saturday as we celebrate you.

Where were you?

This coming Sunday will mark the 10 year anniversary that we were attacked at the World Trade Towers.  That is a day I will never forget.  While I am not from New York, and have never even been there, the attacks affected everyone.  I was not directly affected.  I did not know anyone there.  I did not know anyone that knew someone there even.  I was just a person sitting on my couch watching the news that day when the tragedy unrolled before our eyes.

That day had started like any other day.  Woke up with Anthony who was only 3 months old at the time, and turned the TV on to watch the news.  Mom had gotten up at some point and was watching it with me.  It was our little routine.  We would watch the news every morning.  I loved watching WGN out of Chicago.  When the first plane hit I remember them saying that something flew into one of the Towers.  I went to the kitchen to finishing making my bagel when my mom said "OH MY GOD!" The second Tower was just hit.  Clearly it was not an accident.  We were under attack.  We watched in horror as the smoke poured from the towers.  You could see people jump from the building.  I was in shock.  I could not believe we were actually witnessing this.  As the day would unfold we would learn of another plane going down.  One in Pennsylvania. We would later learn the intended destination of that plane was the White House.  Only the passengers on that plane fought back.  If it wasnt for them the terrorists would have hit the White House.

Its a day that is etched in history forever.  My kids will learn all about that day.  They will ask me where I was and what I was doing on that day.

So....where were you on that day that America changed?

First day of school

Ahhh the first day of school.  Ive been waiting for this day for a few weeks now.  The boys on the other hand, not so much.
This morning I saw the nervousness in Anthonys face when he left for the bus.  I saw him biting his lip.  Just like I do when Im nervous.  He was ready though.  I remember taking him to his first day at Head Start.  He was 3.  It was after Christmas break.  He had that same nervous look on his face.  So shy.  You could tell he just wanted the other kids to like him.  He wanted to have lots of friends, but didnt know how to talk to them.  I could only imagine him walking into his class today and seeing kids from Vinton.  Being nervous about the other kids, but hopeful he may make a new friend.  I know he was worried about his locker.  He was so worried he would forget his combination.  Which he did, but I told him it would take a few days to get used to remembering it.

We decided to take Jonathan and Dylan this morning so we could show them where to go.  Its a new school for Jonathan this year, and Dylan of course its his first year at school period.

We took Jonathan to class first.  He stood there very nervous.  I talked to the teacher a minute to make sure she knew he had to ride the bus to Sunnyside.  One last look over my shoulder and I was leaving my 2nd grader with his new class of potential friends.

Then it was time to take Dylan to his class.  I saw Mrs. Black from preschool.  Her daughter is in his class too.  Thats when Dylan started getting nervous.  He clung to Ryans hand as we weaved to his class.  I stood out side for a minute taking a couple pictures.  Then I made my way to his desk where he was sitting with Ryan.  I took some more pictures.  Got excited when I saw his name on the desk.  He sat there not saying much.  He was very quiet.  Which is not like Dylan at all.  We said good bye and walked out of the class.  Leaving my youngest son to sit there and wonder what the day hold for him.

I wish all my boys a wonderful school year.  I hope they make lots of new friends and many more memories to carry with them through their lives.

Summer Days

Summer for me growing up meant lazy days in Grandmas pool and helping Grandpa with the gardens and fruit/veggie stand.  Many days was I left in charge of running the stand while Grandpa went to get more produce.  Little did I know that would teach me a valuable lesson.  I think Grandpa knew what he was teaching me without saying it.  I learned how to count change back, which to a lot of people is not an easy thing to do.  For me its second nature.  I also got unlimited time with him.  Precious time that I took for granted.  We would sit for hours out front and talk about nothing and everything.  I remember this one time Jack dared me to bite into a jalepeno pepper.  I did because he dared me and swore it wasnt hot.  Liar.  My love for cantelope started at the stand.  Grandpa would cut into peaches and juice would run down his arm.  Those were the good ones.  The ones that just melted in your mouth.  Whenever someone would come that had never been there, he had a good way of convincing them to buy more than they stopped for.  "Here try this" he would say.  They would because they didnt want to be rude, and more times than not they bought whatever he gave them.  So many times he would have me run to one of the gardens to grab some sort of veggie he needed for a customer.  He had so many loyal customers.  People that would come and tell him how they went to the store and wanted corn and got some only to be disappointed when they ate it.  He told me a story one time about how to test the perfect watermelon.  He went on to tell me how he would sneak into watermelon patches at night and put one hand on one side of the watermelon and very lightly tap with one finger on the other side.  If you could feel it on your hand without hearing it, its a good one.  If he saw someone shaking a cantelope he would ask them why they were shaking it.  They always told him...."To see if its ripe".  He would just shake his head and smile.  "Here, let me show you how to tell" he would say as he took the melon from them.  He would scratch where it was cut from the vine and smell.  If it smelled ripe, it was good.  If he was here today I would thank him for my wonderful summer memories that I have.  The memories that I had almost forgotten.

Kevin

I can not believe its been a year already.  While your accident wouldnt have happened yet, today is the day.  I remember this day and the next so vivid still.  A year ago I talked to you.  You called to talk to Ryan and I answered the phone.  Your number is still programmed in our phone.  When we go up North we still go by your house.  Oh how I miss living 3 doors down from you.  Dylan loved being able to go to your house.  He loved when you would come over.  You used to call and tell us you were on the way.  Hours later me and Ryan would look at each other and wonder where you were.  Happened all the time.  You would get side tracked.  We would laugh about it later.  Dylans last birthday you were there for was his favorite.  He still talks about his favorite present.  The Dog N Suds root beer you gave him.  The boys loved you. We all loved you.  I wish Cassidy would have been able to know you.  I know you adored her.  I tell her often that she has a special angel looking over her.  

I wrote this after you died.....

Wednesday August 4, 2010 started like any other day.  Kids got up and watched some tv.  I drank some coffee while messing around on the computer.  I had to find out what was on sale every where.  I had to check and see if anyone posted anything on facebook while I was sleeping.  Checked in on babygaga too.  I looked to see if there was any drama that looked like fun to read.  There wasnt.  I decided I was going to Meijer so I could get back home faster and relax the rest of the day. Denise, Lori, Haley, and Brooke were in Indy that day for Brooke's doctors appointment.  I figured I would get back home in case they stopped by.  So the kids and I left about 1030 and went to Meijer.  We went and got what we needed at the store and came home.  We got home right before noon.  I grabbed the mail before we came in the house.  I looked through it and saw a letter from Anthony's school about what bus he was riding, and a letter addressed to me with no return address.  My name and address were typed.  I ripped it open not knowing what it was and saw the letter from the judge signed!  Jonathan was legally mine and I didnt have to worry about anyone coming and taking him again!!  I threw the few things in the fridge on my way to grab the phone and see if anyone called.  I saw the red light flashing saying we had messages.  I looked to see who called.  Denise, Shawn, and Lori all called.  I didnt pay attention to the times of any of the calls.  I didnt call and check voice mail, I just called Lori.  I knew she was in Indy and I was hoping she wasnt lost.  She answered the phone and I said, "Hey Lori I saw you called.  I didnt check the voice mail, I figured you may need directions or something." 

"No. Um actually is Ryan up.  I need him right now."  She sounded upset about something.

I said, "Is everything ok?"  I was worried.

All she said was "Kevin"

I knew something was wrong.

As we were talking I was walking to my bedroom to wake Ryan up.  I opened my door and yelled his name and threw the phone at him almost and told him to get up its Lori on the phone.  Something is wrong with Kevin.  All I remember Ryan saying is "What?" and "Ill be there as soon as I can"  When he hung up I said whats wrong.

"Kevin was in a car accident and I think he's dead."  The words made me almost fall.  My heart fell to my stomach.  I started shaking.  "What?!?"  "How!?!?"  I didnt know what to say. 

Ryan went on to say he didnt know the details, but Kevin was in an accident and hes dead.  He didnt want to be bothered.  All I wanted to do was hold him and cry with him.  I didnt know what else to do.  Ryan started making the phone calls he needed to for work.  I started packing the kids a bag.  I didnt know where they were going, but they were going somewhere for the night if not longer.  I dont remember what clothes I threw in there, nor did I care.  I just knew we needed to leave and get to Denise as soon as possible.  I knew she needed us more then anything right then. 

When Ryan was done with the phone I called Beth.  She didnt answer.  I normally wouldnt leave a message, but this time I waited for the machine to pick up.  I thought maybe she was in the middle of lunch or something and didnt want to answer.  Well too bad.  Youre going to answer your phone dammit.  I walked outside so I didnt have to say those words out loud in front of Ryan and the kids.  The kids.  How was I going to tell the kids.  When Beths machine came on I said," Beth you need to answer your phone.  Im not kidding.  Its an emergancy.  I need you.  Now!" 

Michael answered, "Whats going on?"

I didnt even know what to say.  I didnt know how to say it.  I just remember saying "Kevin was in an accident and he died." 

Of course Michael was in shock.  Same as me.  What the fuck do you mean Kevins dead??  This is a bad dream right?  No.  No it wasnt.  This was reality.  A reality where Kevin was dead and he is just a memory now.  After talking to Michael for a minute while he tried getting ahold of Beth, I called her cell phone.  She didnt answer the first time.  She called right back though.  She asked what was going on.  Im glad she stayed calm.  I was shaking.  I couldnt stop.  I just wanted to collapse.  Kevins dead.  Those words just keep ringing through my ears.  I ask her to take my kids for me for the night.  We were going up north.  Denise needed us.  We needed her.  I came in the house and Ryan was sitting in the computer room with a blank look on his face.  I came in and put my arms around him and held him while he cried.  He still didnt want to talk about it.  I didnt blame him.  I didnt either.  I didnt want it to be real.  How could this happen?  Is this really happening?  Why?  All kinds of questions ran through my head. 

We went and dropped the kids off at Beths about 4pm.  Ryan tried calling his boss again to talk to her directly.  She wasnt in yet.  We talked to Beth for just a few minutes then we were on the road.  I drove, and the closer we got to Hebron the more my stomach was in knots.  What were we going to say to Denise?  When we finally got to Hebron we went straight to Loris.  Adam was there with Doug.  Denise, Lori, Julie, Shawn, and Michelle went to the coroners office and would be back soon.  The hardest thing to do was wait for them to get back.  How were we going to face them? 

It still feels like a bad dream sometimes.  My heart still breaks for everyone.  Theres still such pain in everyones eyes.  Its not fair dammit.  Keep watching over us Kevin.  We love you and miss you every single day.

Death does not change who we are. 
The old life that we lived so fondly together remains in our memories. 
Whatever we were to each other, that we still are. 
Call me by the old familiar name. 
Speak of me in the easy way which you always used. 
Put no sorrow in your tone. 
Laugh as we always laughed at the little jokes that we enjoyed together. 
Play, smile, think of me, pray for me. 
Let my name be ever the household word that it always was. 
Let it be spoken without effort. 
Life means all that it ever meant. 
It is the same as it ever was. 
There is unbroken continuity. 
Why should I be out of mind because I am out of sight? 
I am but waiting for you, for an interval, somewhere very near, just around the corner.
All is well. Nothing is hurt; nothing is lost. 
One brief moment and all will be as it was before. 
How we shall laugh at the trouble of parting, when we meet again.