Soft Tissue Sarcoma

You are the bitch that took my mom away.  It all started Dec of 05...well really before that I guess, but it came out in Dec 05 that something was wrong.  I can remember sitting in the living room with Mom and Tina wrapping presents on Christmas Eve.  Mom was saying how her back was hurting real bad.  Tina offered to take her to the ER.  Mom kept saying no she will deal with it after Christmas.  Looking back I think she knew something was seriously wrong.  A few days after Christmas Mom went to the doctor.  He did an xray, and when he went in the room to her about it, she said he looked real upset.  He said there was a mass and she needed to go to an oncologist for more tests.  I remember her coming home from that appointment and her saying she had a mass.  I called Jack and told him he needed to come home that I thought Mom had cancer.  Of course at this time we didnt know the severity of it at all.  Through testing we found out that it was a soft tissue sarcoma.  Stage 4 cancer.  The worst kind you could have.  Not only did she have a huge mass attached to her back, she had lesions on her liver and lung.    She would have to start chemo right away.  We had high hopes, and kept thinking positive.  The doctors were great.  Everything looked good.  Nov of 06 the tumor had shrank enough to have surgery.  We went to Indy for her surgery.  I stayed as calm as I could, but inside I was terrified.  I remember talking to Aunt Jean a lot that day.  I know she wanted to be there, and did everything she could but wasnt able to.  Ill never forget when the doctor came out and said he was finished.  He sat us all down and told us what happened.  He had been concerned going in that the tumor was wrapped around her kidney and they would have to take it out.  But luckily it wasnt.  I remember looking down at his shoes for some reason.  There was blood on them.  I thought to myself....thats my Moms blood.  He said the tumor was about 10 pounds.  Later we found out that she also had a very rare cancer in her appendix.  When she was able to come home, I had to help take care of her wound.  She had been cut from breast bone to pelvic bone.  There had been an infection so I had to change the dressing 2 times a day and keep it clean for her.  A lot of people told me they couldnt believe I was doing it.  I just said...its my Mom.  How could I not?  She started a pill form of chemo to help with the lesions that were still on her liver and lung.  Mothers Day 07 she woke me up at 530 in the morning in severe pain.  She had been trying to call my cell phone for about an hour and I didnt hear it.  She couldnt yell loud enough for me to hear her upstairs either.  When I had went down stairs I saw that she was in a lot of pain.  She asked me to get her some ginger ale and banana popsicles.  Later that afternoon she was still in a lot of pain.  I took her to the ER.  While we were there Aunt Mimi, Aunt Sue, and Aunt Linda came up there.  Thats when we heard the horrifying words "Its back and its back with a vengance"  It appeared the tumor was bigger than the one they had removed just 6 months before.  I dont honestly remember if she came home that night or not.  I know a few weeks later she was back in the hospital.  The cancer was growing so fast there was nothing the doctor could do anymore.  I remember when Aunt Sue and Aunt Mimi came to tell us what was going on.  Not that we hadnt been up there to see her, but there was stuff being talked about in depth before us kids were told.  I think we knew before they even told us.  We knew it was bad when they said they wanted the 3 of us there.  The converstation was sorta a blur.  I just wanted to go to my Mom.  That night Garry and Laura came and got the boys for me to keep them for a few days.  I needed some time to sit with my Mom.  When I left Moms room that night at the hospital she told me "I dont know whats going to happen, Pat" I told her not to worry, we would figure it out.  I was still holding on to the hope that something could be done.  She told me she loved me, and I told her I loved her.  The next morning Aunt Jean woke me up real early saying Mom had called and she wanted us to go up there.  That morning started a very long vigil.  There was so many emotions that day.  We all knew her time was very near.  We didnt know how near though.  Through the day family kept coming and going, or coming and staying.  A lot of us didnt leave.  Monday morning we had a meeting with someone from hospice.  They werent moving her because the move alone would kill her.  She was going to die in the hospital.  I was out side smoking when they said it was coming.  I held one hand, and Jack held the other.  Bill couldnt bear to be in there.  Grandma and Grandpa were in there.  Aunt Sue and Aunt Mimi and Uncle Chuck and Aunt Linda.  I dont honestly remember if anyone else was in there.  I remember Uncle Chucks phone going off...his ring tone was monkeys...and Grandma getting mad.  Aunt Jean was talking about coloring Moms tattoo for her since she didnt get to finish it.  There was a lot of tears and plenty of laughs as we talked about Mom.  The doctor came in and said it wouldnt be long.  I remember close to the time she took her last breath.  Her breathing had gotten very far apart.  It sounded like she was sighing then nothing for a few seconds.  The space in between her breathes got farther apart.  It wasnt like you see in the movies or on TV.  I guess it took longer for her to die then I expected.  In the movies its fast and to the point. Thats not at all how it was.  But when she took her last breath you could tell.  You could tell when she was gone.  I just kept petting her hand wanting to yell at her to get up and open her eyes and fight.  I couldnt though.  I couldnt be selfish and expect her to be in more pain.  I just wanted her to be free from it all.  I was the first one to walk out of the room.  When I walked out one of the nurses saw me and gave me a hug and told me how sorry she was.  I walked to the end of the hall where the rest of the family was and just gave Bill a hug.  Jack came out and the 3 of us stood there crying and hugging.  "Its just us now" Jack said.

I miss my Mom every day.  I feel like there is so much I needed to learn from her.  I only hope I am making her proud.

One last thing...Fuck you cancer.  Fuck you.

Life is good

Well so far this year has been pretty good to me.  Ryan and I decided to start painting different rooms in the house.  What used to be the playroom is now a family room.  Ryan painted it brown...like a chocolate brown.  Its real pretty.  We do have a few things left to do in it, but its awesome.  We put the computer in there, and there is the love seat.  Some toys.  Last night Ryan painted the living room.  I told him he couldnt put a new TV in a shitty painted living room.  So we got a brighter yellow for it, and it looks amazing.  Still a few things to do, but it looks great.  Im excited to see the finished product.  We are taking the TV from the living room and putting it in the family room with the Wii for the kids.   I think in time I want to turn the back room into the game room with some game chairs and the Wii.  The next project will be the bathroom.  But I think thats going to be a weekend that Ryan doesnt have to work.  One room at a time.  Im already a happier person with the few changes weve made to the house.  I cant wait until its done.  It will take a few months, but we will get it done.  Life is good.  My birthday this year was awesome.  Went to Keller Williams with Lori, Adam, Cole, Tim, and Julie.  The walk from the van to the Park West sucked, but was so worth it.  I really want to go again.  Next chance we get we are all going again.  Life is good.  I cant say it enough.  Im one lucky lady.  Awesome husband, awesome friends....kids arent too shabby themselves.  :)