Anthony's labor

June 6, 2001 started just like any other day.  (Ive always wanted to start something like that) Really, it did.  I was almost 40 weeks.  Just a few days shy.  I had to go to the doctor that night.  5 something was my appointment.  Me and mom went to grandmas for a little bit.  Mom was making home made noodles.  Mmm.  I was fat and pregnant and my ass wanted those.  We actually went to Paragon...my favorite restaurant...before my appointment.  I was of course "starving" and couldnt wait for noodles.  I dont know for sure, but I think I had a cheese omelet.  Thats all I ever got from there...unless I got cream of potato soup.  So good.  So after we ate we went to the doctor.  The nurse called me back.  I peed in the cup.  She took my blood pressure.  She didnt say anything about it.  I didnt ask.  Went in the room and waited for the doctor.  I dont remember if my mom was in there or not.  I remember him coming in and checking me.  Told me I was only 1cm.  Then he said my blood pressure was on the high side and he was sending me to the hospital for induction.  Ummm what?  I was not ready at all.  So we went to the hospital.  Which was right across the street.  I got up to labor and delivery and got settled in my room.  The nurse came in and put a pill on my cervix to help get things moving.  She said it would help soften and open me up.  Thanks.  I think.  I wasnt allowed to eat or drink anything either.  Good thing I ate before I went.  But dammit.  That meant I missed noodles.  So we called grandma and let her know.  Aunt Mimi was working so she came by.  We called Aunt Sue and Lori and Aunt Linda and Crystal.  Grandma came up to the hospital.  I knew she would. Aunt Linda, Crystal, and Aunt Mini were there as well.  I knew I wanted mom in the room with me.  Lori was going to be, but for whatever reason she wasnt there.  So I asked Aunt Mimi.  She had helped in labor and delivery many times.  She was awesome.  I dont remember what time, but somewhere around  9ish I think we thought my water broke.  There was a lot of blood so they couldnt tell for sure on the test strip.  Thats when I got pitocin.  My blood pressure was being monitored by the auto cuff.  Thing was a pain in my ass.  I hated it.  The highest I saw it go was 200/100.  I know it was higher then that at one point.  I was allowed a few ice chips and sips of water eventually.  I remember asking Aunt Mimi for a drink.  I was trying so hard to be polite in front of her.  I didnt want to cuss.  I did get a shot of stadol and after that anytime I thought I cussed I would say Im sorry.  Only I wasnt cussing out loud.  I was apologizing out loud...just not cussing out loud.  Everyone laughed of course.  I was high.  Aunt Linda was trying to be nice and rub my feet for me.  I kept telling her not to touch me.  It really bothered me when she touched me.  I dont know why.  At some point my water really did break.  I remember laying there thinking....what the fuck was that.  OH MY GOD my water broke.  NURSE!!!!!!!  She came in and said she was calling the doctor and would be bake.  She came back with a few other nurses who opened up the little room where the baby goes.  Had I not been in pain like I was I would have thought it was pretty fucking cool.  So the nurse kicks everyone out except mom and Aunt Mimi.  I dont remember much after that.  The doctor came in just before 2 and said he would be right back.  Literally 2 minutes later he walked back in and in scrubs.  He said down and told me to push.  Next thing I remember hes telling the nurse to get the vacuum and cut my crotch open.  Then he stuck this thing up there and sucked Anthony out.  Um yeah thanks for the warning doc.  Anthony was born at 2:02am on June 7.  It was a Thursday.  I had a son.  My very first son.  He was 8lbs 1oz and perfect.....except the little spot on his head from the vacuum that looked like one of those hats Jews wear.  My tiny little baby.  I was in love like I never knew I could be.  I was also very scared.  What the hell was I going to do with this baby?  Who was going to take care of him?  Oh yeah.  Me.  Hes mine.  "Mom...help me change his diaper."

Anthony

Hmm.  Where to start?  It was a cold winter day.......
haha no really.  I met Mike when I was working at White Hen.  Him and his friends would come in almost every night and hang out.  Working midnights sucked, but when you had people come in to talk and hang out it wasnt bad.  We had hung out once or twice alone.  We went to this park one night.  We just sat on the play ground and talked.  I remember we actually played on the monkey bars.  We had fun.  When we were walking back to his truck he looked at me and asked if he could kiss me.  I had never had someone ask if they could kiss me.  I laughed and said yeah.  He was a great kisser.  Soft lips and like the perfect kiss.  I was infatuated.  Something was wrong with my car, and he offered to come check it out.  The day he came over there was a Bears game on.  He watched the last little bit with my brother, then we went in my room for a minute.  I dont remember how it started or anything, but we ended up having sex.  We both fell asleep after that.  When we woke up it was almost dark out.  We both jumped up, he left and I got ready for work.  Over the next few weeks we still saw each other a few times, but he was working a lot so he didnt come in much.  When Tiffany found out we had sex she told me I was pregnant.  I said whatever.  Because I was 18 and knew it all.  You cant get pregnant after having sex one time.  Well I mean I know you can, but as an 18 year old you think you are invincible.  Nothing can stop you.  So when Tiffany got tired of telling me I was, she went a bought a test.  Well 3 actually.  And some condoms.  She said if I wasnt then I could have the condoms so I didnt get pregnant, and if I was she was keeping the condoms so she didnt get pregnant again.  I told her I wasnt, but I would humor her and take the test.  I went and peed on the stick and came out and showed her.  She looked and bust out laughing.  She said thats exactly what it looked like when she found out she was pregnant with Dakota.  Fuck.  My.  Life.  Sure enough.  It was positive.  I called my mom who was at work.  I had told her the night before that I thought my period was late.  So I guess when I called to tell her I was pregnant it wasnt that big of a shock.  But it was.  Aunt Jean has told me that she freaked out.  I get it now.  Her baby was having a baby.  She was awesome though.  She was there with me all the way.  I remember when I called Mike to tell him.  He said "Im shaking like a retard".  How the fuck do you think I feel???  After that I didnt really hear from him.  I think I was about 4 months along he told me to have an abortion and he would pay for it.  No thanks.  He also told his friends that I was lying about sleeping with him.  Only a few really believed me at all.  He went on to be with this other girl...who is now his wife.  Never told her about me.  I dont fully remember how, but I think it was my grandma who called Mikes mom.  We did do the DNA test when Anthony was 3 months old.  Even though I knew he was Anthonys dad.  He looked like an idiot when it came back that he was the father.
Moral of the story....You can get pregnant by having sex only 1 time.  Swallow that shit next time.

Seriously?

Why is it kids feel the need to ask the same question 5 different ways over and over?  How many versions of "no" must they be told?  All day today Dylan asked "Can I play Wii?" At first my answer was not right now because I was waiting on the Comcast idiot to show up.  While the Comcast idiot was here he was good because he was on the computer.  After lunch it was right back to "Can I play Wii?"  No.  Its time to chill out for a little bit.  You just had the computer.  So after the other 2 got home I went a head and let them play for a little bit.  Of course all I heard was Anthony complain about not being player 1.  Dylan scream and yell because Anthony wasnt letting him do what he wanted.  Jonathan complain because he didnt get a turn to play....even though he went first as player 1.  Oh and then there was Cassidy shutting the TV off every few minutes making the boys yell.  After dinner watching Scooby Doo Jonathan felt that was the time to ask 50 questions about getting a pet.  IF we get a pet it will be a cat.  And that wont happen for a few more months.  No we arent getting a snake.  No we arent getting a turtle, or scorpion, or gecko, or lizard, or any other slimy nasty thing you think you are bringing in my house.  Save those things for when you are out on your own.  No matter how much you beg we will not have any of those things.  7:57pm.  "Bed time".  I say.  But its not 8 yet!  By the time you put your jammies on and brush your teeth it will be.  Up stairs now.   Im wating for the house to be nice and quiet so I can just listen to nothing.  Nothing is better then a quiet house laying in my bed relaxing.

Now that was really somethin'

Watching the video of Grandpas funeral makes me miss him even more.  He was always there when I needed someone to talk to.  When I got arrested I called him knowing he wouldnt judge me or be mad at me.  He was there to watch me graduate high school.  He was there when I had the boys.  He loved those boys more then anything.  Jonathan was his little buddy.  When Jenn took Jonathan it broke his heart.  Even laying in the hospital he wanted to see Jonathan.  I begged to get him there.  Breaks my heart that he never got to see him again.  I know hes watching over us.  I just miss him.  He always knew what to say to make me feel better.  He was my dad more then my grandpa.  He sat by me when my mom died.  He was there to help pick up the pieces.  He was the greatest man I knew.
Forever gone, but never forgotten.

Tired of you

Im sorta getting tired of the way you have been talking to me.  It seems like anytime I say anything you have a comment to make or you roll your eyes or I can tell by the look on your face you dont like what I just said.  I feel myself distancing myself from you right now.  You think you have all the answers for my life.  You dont.  You dont know my financial stuff because Im tired of you telling me what I have to do and what you would do.  Im not you.  You dont live my life.  I will deal with my bills the best way I can.  You seem to be getting very judgmental about anything I have to say.  Therefore I dont say much.  My life is getting better.  It is taking time to get it to where I want.  Im ok with that.  In a few months things are going to be so much better.  I shouldnt have to prove myself to you to be your friend.  You are supposed to be my best friend.

Yesterday

Yesterday was an ok day.  There were a few times I found myself ready to snap and I stopped and thought about what I needed to say or do.  There were a few times that it just came out, but I know I made a better effort yesterday.  I didnt get as much done as I wanted, but today is another day.  Today I will get done what didnt get done yesterday.  Hopefully we get Ryans W2s and we can file taxes.  Not sure if we are actually going to get any back, but its a thought.  I hope we do.  We could really use it right now.

Today

Today will be a new day.  A day of change.  On this day I vow to change my life.  I vow to make positive changes in my life.

Kevin

I wrote this a few days after the funeral for Kevin................

Wednesday August 4, 2010 started like any other day.  Kids got up and watched some tv.  I drank some coffee while messing around on the computer.  I had to find out what was on sale every where.  I had to check and see if anyone posted anything on facebook while I was sleeping.  Checked in on babygaga too.  I looked to see if there was any drama that looked like fun to read.  There wasnt.  I decided I was going to Meijer so I could get back home faster and relax the rest of the day. Denise, Lori, Haley, and Brooke were in Indy that day for Brooke's doctors appointment.  I figured I would get back home in case they stopped by.  So the kids and I left about 1030 and went to Meijer.  We went and got what we needed at the store and came home.  We got home right before noon.  I grabbed the mail before we came in the house.  I looked through it and saw a letter from Anthony's school about what bus he was riding, and a letter addressed to me with no return address.  My name and address were typed.  I ripped it open not knowing what it was and saw the letter from the judge signed!  Jonathan was legally mine and I didnt have to worry about anyone coming and taking him again!!  I threw the few things in the fridge on my way to grab the phone and see if anyone called.  I saw the red light flashing saying we had messages.  I looked to see who called.  Denise, Shawn, and Lori all called.  I didnt pay attention to the times of any of the calls.  I didnt call and check voice mail, I just called Lori.  I knew she was in Indy and I was hoping she wasnt lost.  She answered the phone and I said, "Hey Lori I saw you called.  I didnt check the voice mail, I figured you may need directions or something." 

"No. Um actually is Ryan up.  I need him right now."  She sounded upset about something.

I said, "Is everything ok?"  I was worried.

All she said was "Kevin"

I knew something was wrong.

As we were talking I was walking to my bedroom to wake Ryan up.  I opened my door and yelled his name and threw the phone at him almost and told him to get up its Lori on the phone.  Something is wrong with Kevin.  All I remember Ryan saying is "What?" and "Ill be there as soon as I can"  When he hung up I said whats wrong.

"Kevin was in a car accident and I think he's dead."  The words made me almost fall.  My heart fell to my stomach.  I started shaking.  "What?!?"  "How!?!?"  I didnt know what to say. 

Ryan went on to say he didnt know the details, but Kevin was in an accident and hes dead.  He didnt want to be bothered.  All I wanted to do was hold him and cry with him.  I didnt know what else to do.  Ryan started making the phone calls he needed to for work.  I started packing the kids a bag.  I didnt know where they were going, but they were going somewhere for the night if not longer.  I dont remember what clothes I threw in there, nor did I care.  I just knew we needed to leave and get to Denise as soon as possible.  I knew she needed us more then anything right then. 

When Ryan was done with the phone I called Beth.  She didnt answer.  I normally wouldnt leave a message, but this time I waited for the machine to pick up.  I thought maybe she was in the middle of lunch or something and didnt want to answer.  Well too bad.  Youre going to answer your phone dammit.  I walked outside so I didnt have to say those words out loud in front of Ryan and the kids.  The kids.  How was I going to tell the kids.  When Beths machine came on I said," Beth you need to answer your phone.  Im not kidding.  Its an emergancy.  I need you.  Now!" 

Michael answered, "Whats going on?"

I didnt even know what to say.  I didnt know how to say it.  I just remember saying "Kevin was in an accident and he died." 

Of course Michael was in shock.  Same as me.  What the fuck do you mean Kevins dead??  This is a bad dream right?  No.  No it wasnt.  This was reality.  A reality where Kevin was dead and he is just a memory now.  After talking to Michael for a minute while he tried getting ahold of Beth, I called her cell phone.  She didnt answer the first time.  She called right back though.  She asked what was going on.  Im glad she stayed calm.  I was shaking.  I couldnt stop.  I just wanted to collapse.  Kevins dead.  Those words just keep ringing through my ears.  I ask her to take my kids for me for the night.  We were going up north.  Denise needed us.  We needed her.  I came in the house and Ryan was sitting in the computer room with a blank look on his face.  I came in and put my arms around him and held him while he cried.  He still didnt want to talk about it.  I didnt blame him.  I didnt either.  I didnt want it to be real.  How could this happen?  Is this really happening?  Why?  All kinds of questions ran through my head. 

We went and dropped the kids off at Beths about 4pm.  Ryan tried calling his boss again to talk to her directly.  She wasnt in yet.  We talked to Beth for just a few minutes then we were on the road.  I drove, and the closer we got to Hebron the more my stomach was in knots.  What were we going to say to Denise?  When we finally got to Hebron we went straight to Loris.  Adam was there with Doug.  Denise, Lori, Julie, Shawn, and Michelle went to the coroners office and would be back soon.  The hardest thing to do was wait for them to get back.  How were we going to face them? 

My dreams from last night

So last night I had a few dreams that went together.

The first one I was in a hospital by myself.  Giving birth.  It wasnt hard or anything like that.  I remember the nurses telling me to push and next thing I know the baby was out.  I heard them say how tiny he was.  A boy.  I had a boy.  Then I remember the nurse taking him to the nursery and I told the doctor I really had to go home that I had things to do and get ready for "Aiden" to come home.  I had named him Aiden.  Next thing I know Im walking in my house and the kids are all excited to see me and I told them it was a boy named Aiden.   I told them that we had to get the house ready for him to come home.  Only we werent in this house.  It was a bigger house.

The next dream I had I was riding something...not sure how to explain what it was...down the road.  It was me and a kid.  Im not real sure, but I think the kid was Dylan.  We got to the hospital and we were walking down the hall.  For some reason Isaac was in the hospital so we stopped and saw them.  I told Beth it was a boy and when she had time she should go see him.  So then Im walking down the hall and there was 2 hall ways.  I went to the right and after a few steps I stopped.  At this point the boy (Dylan maybe) that was with me wasnt and I didnt notice or wasnt worried.  But a girl was with me.  An older girl.  Maybe early 20s.  I stopped and said "Oh I went the wrong way.  I knew I was going to"  and turned around  Well there was this black lady that was being lifted by 2 nurses and I heard her husband say how she wanted to play football no matter what and no matter how many injuries she has.  He said something about her hip being out of place.  So we squeezed past them and went to the other hallway.  I saw one of those boards they write on.  I saw A.Hilgert and smiled.  The nurse saw me and said "Hi Aidens Mommy.  Did you want to try while you are here?" I said sure.  I guess I knew she was talking about breast feeding.  I told her that I had nursed my other kids and didnt think it would be too hard to nurse him.  Me and this girl ( I think I called her Nicky) went into this room to wait for the nurse to bring the baby.  There was music playing really loud and I remember thinking I was going to have the nurse turn that down.  There was another girl in there with a little girl that you could tell was mixed.  The nurse walked in and was holding the baby real close and handed him to me.  When she did I realized she gave me a fake baby and we laughed.  The girl I was with was crying...not sure why...and I said look shes only kidding she does this to everyone.  She said thats not why she was crying.  The nurse went out of the room to go get Aiden and thats when I realized that the other girl in the room had more kids with her.  I said...wow where do all these babies keep coming from?  All the kids were toddlers maybe.

Thats all I remember from them.  Time to send it on to Aunt Jean and have her tell me how crazy I am.  :).




And this is what she had to say about my dream...........

this is so good, and also going to BLOW you away!
ok, so its going to take a bit to answer this one I will say DONE when done, incase the temp internet gets shut off while typing (wink)ok, as you know houses etc are you, the bigger house indicator is saying "older" "more experienced" as you see because you had your other kids this dream was not one of oyu at 8 etc. so to begin more or less, the "having a baby" and the nurse taking it to me indicates a death, not a birth (you need to find what birth means specifically for yourself by watching the few days b4 and few days after a birth dream to see events in rl) so anyways back to you, th ebaby named picked is reminescent of "Eden" to me so could be good times to come or improvements of situation to come etc. also the name reminds me of David, as in Jesus is from the house of David, again referring back to something along that lines coming.now onto the next part, you saw Beth told her there was a boy, and also she was with a boy, curiously the next thing was a man saying how his wife wanted to play a mans sport at all costs. So with this it's like a "bell tolling" count down or something of the effect of taking a frander stand for something. Now with her hip being out of place, that is the "birth route" so to speak and so far all your dream is indicating to me is "death of something" now here is this woman who is facing the "death" of her dream to play a game. BUT again referrancing back to a baby route being broken. You squeeze past them, SO this would indicate the closeness to you I.E. family member, possibly self but less likely, so so far we know (don't laugh) a female is having problems not fullfilling her dream and it involves physical breakage or breaking down of her body.how I got the bell toll effect is ...each boy represents a dong of the bell, as it resounds to "awake" you to the "whats actually happening" like 1,2,3, etc.p.s. Aiden is closely laced Eden, also David being Jesus as in from the house of and referrancing isaac is also a biblical name....as well as Beth...so keeping all these points in mind as we go..ok what you and possibly Dylan is riding in is significant only that it gives state of self. it was moving so thats a good thing because that shows forward gain or in the future motions. (NOW there is at this point a second direction to think about I will explain further after this first reading/discription)Now there were two hallways, as in RL you always have choices you picked one and realise that was the wrong choice. So with backtracking you get onto the right path...as in RL  Also the woman being Black is an emotional discription of depression, etc. since she was about to lose her dream that would also indicate depression. The older girl oyu found yourself with around 20, is you. you tell yourself "oh I went the wrong way" because the Dylan was gone (wasn't born yet or thought of yet)....Not sure how old oyur cousin Nikky was when she died,,,if that was her name i think it was..anyways by you indicating you knew you would go the wrong way is indicating you knew to make better choices you just chose NOT to..now you have to back track to get on the right path..which also great insertion point here, did you know it was more proper to be a left handed person than right?? yep, so this small point of going to the right as also in doing the right thing turned out wrong..see because the left was the better choice at one time in history..pointing this out because it also lets you know it really is spirit directing dreams. because if you didnt know that point about the left and right how would it show up in your dream correctly?? spirit..ok onto the next part.oh if not your cousin, debbie had a brother named Nikki who never came home from the hospital, he died at around 5-7 I think his name was nikki she also named her daughter nikki after him. He was born severly deformed and retarded he was the size of a 9 month old when they buried him. ok, now to the punch line part of the dream...The nurse brought you a fake baby, yet no one else had fake babies you just knew thats what the nurse did as a joke....however this is where th emeat of the message is. The Nurse a caregiver asks you if you want to do a nurturing role (breast feed) you said yes. However she brought you a fake baby, this is tricky cause it indicates either someone is trying to pass a kid off as someone elses in rl, like he's the daddy but aint. OR you are taking responcibility for only PART of your nurturing that is ineffective behavior. (I'll try to explain this better) Now the NIkki we don't know for sure is real or you or an emotion playing itself out, I would lean towards an emotional side of you as she interacted with no one but you. So we already established through the football hero that dreams are looking like not bing fullfilled and there is depression, also that there is a chance that the "real issue" is "fake"...see where this is going?? Now the music is the "waa waa" sound ringing in the ears..or the "can't take it anymore" statements coming oyur way..OR (trying to explain better) there is a person barking in your ear that you want a caregiver to tell them to shut the fk up...or caregiver being someone who takes care of you etc to tell them to shut the fk up...Now, this is the clintcher...the girl crying is also a release of emotion a letting go..when the nurse went to go get the baby that would indicate a burden or responcibility that the girl across from you had tons of. BUT going to give you my proffessional oppinion here.....drum roll...Not sure who or why but someone is having female issues around oyu and it indicates physical problems. However by not mentioning or speaking of an "affair" or "decepton of birth" this person is trying to pass something that isn't true. Now the whole dream revolves around abortions, someone ether had one, or is going to have one or said they had one BUT their mind is now depressed because they know it was a "lie or Joke" that they are now caught up in. Also, your asking "where are all these babies coming from" indicates the extent of the lies. Done


I love Aunt Jean.  She makes sense of things for me.  

Jonathan

I know its not your fault I have anger.  I dont know why I yell at you like I do.  I shouldnt take it out on you.  Jenn is the one that took you from me for so long.  Its not fair that I take it out on you.  Im sorry I yelled like I did.

Clash of the Titans

So last night was the last night before the kids went back to school and Ryan goes back to work.  After the kids went to bed Ryan and I layed on the couch together and watched Clash of the Titans.  At first I didnt want to watch it because I always fall asleep, but I loved it!  It was a great remake of the original.
Im sorta nervous about the next few weeks.  Other then the money issue.  Last time Ryan went back to work after shut down we were great.  We were on track to being real happy.  Then Kevin died.  Its been a very hard few months.  I think we are starting to get past the anger part and move onto acceptance.  I think there will always be anger for the way he died, but we have to learn to accept it or it will eat us up.  Just because we accept it doesnt mean we will ever forget.


Ok as I am writing this the boys were going to go out to the bus.  Yeah apparently I was wrong and school doesnt go back today.  Its tomorrow.  Dammit.  Another day.  Its ok.  They can help me clean the house today. :)  It works to my advantage I guess.

A New Year

I decided to start this for myself mostly.  To see what kind of growth I can make within myself in the next year.  I have high hopes for this year.  I am going to work harder to be a better wife, mom, and person all around.  I know everyone has resolutions and mostly they get broken.  I dont make resolutions.  I set goals.  Last year my goal was to quit smoking.  July 17, 2010 I thought I smoked my last cigarette.  August 4 we got the devistating news that Kevin was killed.  I smoked for a week while dealing with everything.  Since then I have not smoked.  I feel pretty good about that.  My weight on the other hand has gotten a little on the high side.  I know it has.  I am realistic when it comes to myself and my body.  This year my goal is to work towards being a size 11 again.  I want to be healthier for my kids and Ryan.  I would also like to become more organized.  My house needs it, my kids need it, mostly I need it.  I think a lot of my mood swings come from me not being organized.  It will help my kids as well.  I am going to work on yelling as well.  I know I yell a lot.  Sometimes I cant help it.  It just happens.  Something in me snaps and I lose it.  Maybe with this it will help me with my anger issues.
I have always wanted to start a journal or blog, but afraid of what others would say about what I write.  Well you know what, I dont care.  This isnt for everyone to read or judge.  This is for me to become a better person. With that said.  I look forward to this year.  I hope to have many highs, and little lows.  Make lots of memories for in the end thats all you have.