The bigger person

Over the past 7 years of our friendship there are many things that I wanted to say but didnt.  Things that I didnt want to say because Im not a mean person to my "best friend".  Things I thought would hurt your feelings.  So I didnt say them.  Since that email things have obviously been different.  You said some pretty mean things.  You say they were truthful, and maybe there was some truth to it.  I know I would never say the things you said to me to any kind of friend.  You tell me that you felt used.  So I stopped telling you things.  Why would I want to share any part of my life with someone for fear that they are going to say I used them?  The things you have done for me I appreciated.  You were able to help me in ways others couldnt.  But to throw that in my face now all the time is uncalled for.  Yes you did stuff for me.  Dont tell me I didnt appreciate it.  I really wish you wouldnt have done anything for me.  Then you wouldnt be able to say how much you did for me.  

You like to make comments on how Dylan is ADD or ADHD because of how he acts.  Ive talked to the doctor and the teachers.  No one is concerned about it but you.  But no matter what I say to you about it, he has it in your eyes.  Yeah Ive joked about it, but really that was because I didnt want to tell you to shut the hell up.  

You say how Cassidy controls me because she wont let me put her hair up, or because she wanted to wear a certain out fit one day.  Who cares if she wants her hair up?  Or if she wants to wear a skirt when its a little chilly?  Im not going to force her to let me put her hair up.  She will want it up one day.  If not oh well.  

It seems like nothing I do with my kids is "right" in your eyes.  Whether its the way they act, or how I discipline them you always have a comment.  Everything I do I feel you judge me and are just waiting to criticize me.  Just like when I was doing the 30 day shred.  You had lots of comments then.  Or when Lori got me Zumba.  Your comment was "is this going to be like the shred?"  Meaning "are you actually going to do it?"  I shouldnt have to prove anything to you.  If I do it then I do it, if not then its ok too.  Instead of encouraging me about any of it you say "prove me wrong".  No.  I wont prove you wrong.  Ill prove it to myself that I can do it.  

You have made plenty of comments about how Ryan and I are.  You like to tell me how miserable I am in my marriage.  Yeah for a little bit I really was.  No marriage is perfect.  I can at least look at my husband and know that I dont lie to him every day.  You are the one that had an affair, not me.  You look at Michael every day and lie to his face.  Dont tell me the mistakes Ive made in my marriage when you betrayed your husband. Dont tell me that its wrong how me and Ryan are, when every single day you live a lie.  I would never say anything to Michael though because thats not my place.  Im not going to ruin your marriage.  You can do that yourself.  

More of Mom's writings

As the dusk comes to settle,
the shadows merging as one.
Before you know it,
twilight falls upon us.
Gripping the earth in a cold winters grasp,
never knowing who will last.
Maybe no one,
maybe just a few.
With all God's blessings to see first light morning dew.

11-11-1999




The fear and tears are just below the surface.
The fear that you are about to leave, never to return.
The tears are there waiting to be shed when you are gone.
The emptiness they leave is like a hole that burns all the way through my being.
The pain is so intense it seems to numb me all over.
Happiness is fading, for the fears and tears are just below the surface.

8-15-1990





They call him by name,
there is no response.
The body intact, the mind gone.
Lost in the jungles of Vietnam.
He sees her face with bright shiny smile, no sign of memory of love gone by.
The mans body is back, the mind gone forever.
This is all they left of their love, so true.
The heat soaked days,
fire bomb nights is all he knows forever more.
No more love and safety, only fear and hate.
The man she loved locked behind the gate of a war torn soldier no one wants to celebrate.

7-29-1990

Pa's cookies

Growing up Christmas was always a great holiday for my family.  I have a lot of great memories of Christmas.  Including the year Lori pushed me on the ice and broke my arm.  Christmas was always about family and getting together.  Grandpa would start making cookies around Thanksgiving time.  Every year I helped him.  That was our thing to do.  I loved helping him make cookies and loved spending time with him.  Looking back I realize how lucky I am to have had a grandpa like him.  Even though I dont make as many as he did, I still make his cookies every year.  Some times they dont turn out as good as his, but the memories are brought back to life when I pull out his recipes.

Chocolate Snowballs

1 1/4 cup butter or margarine

2/3 cup sugar

2 tsp vanilla

2 cups flour

1/8 tsp salt

1/2 cup cocoa

2 cups chopped walnuts (optional)

Cream butter and sugar together.  Add vanilla to the mix.  Add all other ingredients.  Form into balls and chill in the fridge for at least an hour.  Roll into little balls and put on an ungreased cookie sheet.  Bake at 350 for 10-15 minutes.  Let cool and dust with powdered sugar.  

Rosettes (Iron cookies)

1/2 cup flour

1/2 cup water or milk

1 Tbsp sugar

1 egg slightly beaten

1/2 tsp salt

1 Tbsp vegetable oil 

Use a rosette maker and fry in lard.  Put on a paper bag to drain and sprinkle with powdered sugar.

Pecan Tarts

Crust

6 ounces cream cheese

1/2 lb butter

2 cups flour

Blend the 3 ingredients together.  Form into a ball and put in the fridge at least an hour.  Roll out using powdered sugar and cut with a cookie cutter. Press into greased mini muffin tins.  

Filling

1 1/2 cups brown sugar

2 well beaten eggs

3 Tbsp melted butter

1/2 cups chopped pecans

Spoon filling into muffin tins.  Do not over fill.  Bake at 375 for 25-30 minutes.

Filled Cookies

6 ounces cream cheese

1/2 lb butter

2 cups flour

Apricot filling

Prune filling

Blend the 3 ingredients together.  Form into a ball and put in the fridge at least an hour.  Roll out using powdered sugar and cut with a cookie cutter.  Spoon a small amount of filling onto each circle.  Fold and pinch the sides together.  Bake at 375 for 15-20 minutes.  Let cool and sprinkle with powdered sugar.

Candy

32 ounces white bark

4 Tbsp peanut butter

2 cups peanuts

2 cups pretzel sticks, crushed 

2 cups rice crispies

Melt the white bark and peanut butter in the microwave.  Stir in the other ingredients.  Spoon onto wax paper.  Let harden.

There you have it.  Family favorites!

Mom's writings

Anyone that really knew my Mom knew she loved to write.  I actually have a few of her writings. Some have dates and others dont.



In the arms of safety I will be.
Forever held in warm desire,
never to fall again.
The safety is there,
hand and hand with security.
Love will help hold them together,
bonded throughout eternity.
For now you hold their key,
forever more in love to see

Reba
7-16-1990





Here we stand going day by day.
Letting our love show the way.
One day at a time is what we said,
Time flies by mounting into weeks, months
and hopefully the years will soon mount up.
Never ending,
not to go without your sweet touch.

Reba
7-16-1990



Daughter

Tiny hands and tiny feet,

snuggled beneath the woolen sheep.

So sweet and smallbarely two feet tall

never again to be so small.

Her rosy cheeks, her dimpled smile,

just for her I'd walk a mile.

I can't believe God gave her to me, 

or how wonderful having a daughter could be.

By: Reba

The fear and tears are just below the surface.

The fear that you are about to leave, never to return.

The tears are there waiting to be shed, when you are gone.

The emptiness they leave is like a hole that burns all the way through my whold being.

The pain is so intense it seems to numb me all over.  

Happiness is fading, for the fears and tears are just below the surface.

He started out all pink and small.

The nurse brought him in.  

Such a tiny bundle to see for someone who made my belly swell.

At last to see the beautiful baby boy that grew in me.

The nurse put you in my arms and I checked you once, twice, assuring myself you did have ten fingers, ten toes.

Your hair was white blonde.  Not much more then the fuzz on a peach.

Your huge blue eyes drinking in all the wonders of your new world.

You started out allpink and small, not a hint of how fast you would grow.

I can't believe a few short years ago you were looking up at me with wide eyed wonder.

Now , I look up at you, not believing my eyes.

My little tiny baby has grown into such a fine young man.

You over flow with love, understanding, and strength.  Your road so far in life has not been an easy one, but you will grow stronger and continue to become a very fine man.

You have earned the love and respect from a great many people who know you.

I hope you will continue to draw on you inner strength and finish learning how to be a leader who does not have to follow the foot steps of the crowd.

Always remember, never forget that I love, respect, and admire you for the person you are and I will always stand by you no matter what your decisions in life may be.

Loving you always, 

Mom

Broken

Broken hearts, broken dreams, 

Broken lives, torn at the seams.

Broken promises of final school day fun.

The end of life that has just begun.

Broken families, broken friends,

When will it ever end?

By: Reba Spoor

4-23-1999

I have been searching for my missing part.  Someone who will care for me, hold me, accept me as I am and not expect me to give them more than they give me.

All my life I have had only bits and pieces of this person in whomever I was with.

Until now, he has shown me that he has feelings, he somewhat accepted me, he did not ask of me what I could not offer at this time.  Mostly all I have really wanted was to be held and made to feel like he never wanted me to go, as much as I wanted to stay.  And he gave that to me, I must thank him for those brief and very precious in my heart moments.

Sadly I must admit thought that he does not care, want, or need me like I may have needed him.

I am scared to try and search once more for I cannot withstand the pain.  The tears have all gone through the cases and stained my pillow with hurt forever.

I joke and laugh, so I dont cry in anyones presence.  The pain is getting worse though and my friends see it and they feel its wrath.

Why couldnt he tell me it was nothing or good-bye?  Why did he have to come over and hold me again?  Why say you will call, when you really wont?  Why let me open up and talk to you, laugh, and joke?  Is this all some sort of game you like to play?  Or is it just someone else leading the dance in your life?  Your missing part that made you whole?

I wish that I could just wipe away these feelings I have and draw myself a silent part to make me whole...to help me complete my lifes journey without hesitations or regrets.

I feel lost and alone, so much to give to someone special.  Someone who wants, need, cares about and loves just me, Reba, not the mother, daughter, sister, friend or worker.....just Reba.

He is always there for his little girl, no matter how big she is.

Giving advise even when not asked.

Picking up on problems even Mom may miss.

Giving me enough tomboyishness to survive whatever may come my way.

Buffering the blows between sibling rivalries (even if he knew me to be at fault).

Having an endless supply of love that only a father can have.

Yes, he is a pretty terrific guy, and I hope he could always think of me as Daddy's Little Girl.

With all the love I have for you on this Father's Day, 1986

Reba

Your stature is tall, your arms are strong.

Your face is rugged showing the years of fight.

Your smile is warm, your touch, oh so light

Your embrace is strong and light.

A gentle man not at first sight.

When you are near, the gentle man appears.

Rough on the edges, but warm and precious.

You take me by surprise every time we meet.

There are no weak knees or quivering heartbeat.  

Just a calm.

No up and down uncontrolled emotions, 

just relaxed understanding respect 

and yes, even some love from you.

Reba 7-16-1990

Mother's Day

Mother's Day 2001 I was pregnant with Anthony.  I considered myself a mother at that time.  I was...sorta.  He was just still in my belly.
Mother's Day 2002 I had this amazing little boy.  He was almost 1 and he was the best thing that happened to me.  My Mom was there, and Im sure we went over to Grandmas.  We went there a lot.
Mother's Day 2003 I cried for my little boy.  I cried wanting him to be home with me.  I was pregnant with Jonathan, and life had changed a lot.
Mother's Day 2004 I dont remember if I got to see my kids or not.  I didnt have them.  Hell I was living with Jenn at that point.  I probably worked.
Mother's Day 2005 I had just found out Dylan was on the way a few weeks before.  I had my boys, and life was good.
Mother's Day  2006 I had my 3 wonderful boys.  We had known for a few months about Moms cancer.  Probably went to Grandmas.
Mother's Day 2007 We were told the most horrible thing.  Moms tumor was back.  I will not forget that day. That Mother's Day.  My last Mother's Day with a mom.  The ones before I took for granted.  The ones after were never the same.  I have these amazing kids that made me a mother, but Mother's Day will never be the same.  Sure I can call Grandma or Aunt Jean and tell them Happy Mother's Day, but I want my mom.  I want to call her and tell her Happy Mother's Day.  I want to hear her voice again.  Even just for a minute.  I want her to hug me and tell me everything is going to be ok.

Tomorrow is Mother's Day 2011 and all I want for Mother's Day is to feel my moms hug again.  To hear her voice.  I miss you Mom.