Tuesday, March 15, 2011
Feeling good
I started Zumba last Monday. The first day was fun. I was of course just figuring it out so I was unsure of the moves. As the days have gone on though I have started to do them much better. Today I actually did a few of the single dances and then did half of the Zumba Party. I honestly dont really know what that is, but I checked it out. Im going to do that tomorrow instead of what I normally do. Im loving it. Im going to get a scale on Thursday or Friday and weigh and measure myself. Even though by then I would have been doing Zumba for almost 2 weeks. Its ok though. I was weighed last Monday at the doctor. Aunt Jean told me she knows someone that lost 4 inches in 3 weeks! I think if I lost that I would be able to notice in my jeans. Im impatient. I want results now. I think thats why its been hard for me to stick to something in the past. I got discouraged and gave up. Not this time. I camt. I wont. Really part of my motivation is because Lori gave it to me for my birthday and I dont want to not use it. Its an expensive game, and for Lori to give it to me really meant a lot. So when I feel like not doing it, I just tell myself Lori would be pissed if I didnt do it. Not that I really think she would be pissed. I dont think she would be anyways. Well maybe. I guess I would be if I gave someone a $50 gift and they didnt use it. Waste of money. So thats what I tell myself. Lori will be pissed if I dont do it. Its really fun too. I love when the kids join in too. Yeah gets annoying, but seeing Cassidy put her hand out if front of her to control the kinect cracks me up. Or to look over and see Anthony and Jonathan have no rhythm like me. Or watch Dylan flop his arms and jump up and down.....makes me smile. I love 'em!
Thursday, March 3, 2011
Steve
I guess I have to go back all the to how I met him. I was in a yahoo chat room just talking and having fun. Not really looking for anything from anyone. Anthony was about 17 months old. I had just broken up with Jason not too long before this. Well this girl started talking to me. Turns out it was Misty. I had dated Aaron in high school and he was still with Misty. I didnt know until the day I went to his house to surprise him and caught them in bed together. There went that relationship. No big deal. So Misty and I start talking and she tells me how she left Aaron eventually and that he was real abusive. She said she had a kid with him. Then this guy starts talking to me. It was Steve. He said all the right things. I was getting infatuated. We eventually decided to meet when I found out he knew Misty. They were good friends. So Misty actually came and picked me and Anthony up and took me to Steve's sisters house where he was living. My mom didnt like that I was going and taking Anthony. But hey, I was 20 she couldnt stop me. I ended up spending the night there. Jenn wasnt home since she was working as a paramedic at the time. He was watching her son Xander. Xander was one of those kids that seemed to hate other kids. He bit Anthony 2 times that night. Later I found out that I wasnt the only girl he had going there. Oh and he had just gotten out of jail for theft. What seems like should have been a HUGE red flag, I saw the love of my life. Yeah. I was young and very stupid. I wanted someone to love and not get rejected by. After about a month of us "dating" he came to stay the night and never left. My mom still didnt like him. Should have been another red flag. Just after New Years I found out I was pregnant with Jonathan. I was happy. Steve was happy. My mom was not happy.
I was going to school and Steve was watching Anthony for me. I was sitting in the computer lab one day and we were talking on chat. Then he went quiet for a few minutes. Came back and said that Anthony was choking on a banana and when he went to smack his back to get it out Anthony turned and he got his face. I left school and went home to make sure he was ok. It was about a 20 minute drive. When I got home and saw Anthony's face I just started to cry. He had a huge bruise on his face. You could see the marks from Steves fingers. That right there should have been another red flag. But I believed him. I even took the blame and said I did it. Not that any one believed me, but I tried saying it was me. A few weeks after that we ended up moving in next door to Jenn. Rent was very cheap. I was still going to school and had even started doing my externship for school at the doctors office down the road. Things were going really good. April 3 my life changed forever. It was a Thursday, and I had to do my externship in the morning, doctor in the afternoon, and school at night. After working, I ran home to see if Steve was going to the doctor with me. Since we didnt really have a lot of gas he told me to just go and go to school. Anthony was sleeping on the floor so I just left him be. Didnt want to upset him by coming home for a few minutes and leaving again. I got home that night about 830 or so. Anthony was next door at Jenns. She said she gave him a bath and put some Vicks on his chest because he seemed to be getting sick. I didnt think anything of it. It was that time of year for his allergies to act up anyways. I took him and held him for a few minutes at home before putting him to bed. Then I sat on the couch to do homework. About 9ish there was a knock on the door. I just thought it was Steves mom, Carla. It was my mom. She had never been there, and here she was standing in my door way. She came in and we started arguing a little. Steve had been laying down and came out of the room and started cussing and went next door. Anthony ended up getting woken up so I went and got him. He went straight for my mom. He loved her. Thats when she started saying something was wrong with him. Said his lips were turning blue. I didnt see it. Yeah he was sick, but I didnt think it was anything more then that. After a few minutes of arguing about it, we took him to the ER. The doctor said it was probably just a cold and he was doing an xray to rule out pneumonia. The nurse had been talking to us about getting new tooth brushes and making sure we werent spreading it back and forth. Thats when the doctor came in and sat down. I will never forget those words. He said "We have a very sick little boy on our hands" I thought he had severe pneumonia or something. More horrifying words followed...."he has several broken ribs, and a punctured lung." He needed to be transferred to a bigger hospital more capable of handling things like this. I broke down. My mom started yelling at Steve asking him what he did, and yelling at me that she knew something was wrong. At that moment I wanted her far away from me. I wanted nothing to do with her. I just wanted to hold my baby. Jenn had gotten there at some point. Since I was pregnant I couldnt go with Anthony to get the CT scan so Jenn went for me. My grandparents were called. Aunt Mimi had been up there already because her biological dad was there. Aunt Sue came up there. I dont know that I could really explain how I was feeling. Somewhere in me I think I knew Steve did something. At that moment I wanted another explanation. He was so good at manipulating me though and telling me what I wanted to hear. Unless you are in that situation you dont know the power someone could have over you. Even in a situation like this. I turned my back on my entire family for him. I trusted him. He was supposed to keep me and Anthony safe.
Anthony ended up getting transferred to Christ Hope Hospital in Oaklawn, IL. I had never been in a hospital this big before. It was like a scene from ER when all the doctors surrounded the patient to find out what was wrong. I wasnt allowed in there with him. I stood outside his room. This man came and stood with me. I later found out he was the minister of the hospital. He kept asking me if I needed to sit down. He noticed I was pregnant. I just kept telling him no thank you. I wanted to be able to run in that room when they said I could. When I was able to see him he had a chest tube put in the drain the blood from his lungs. He had to stay a few days. My mom came up there and while we were sitting in his room someone from social services came . I wasnt allowed alone with Anthony because they didnt know what happened. I was devastated. Thats when she said he wasnt coming home with me either. He was going into foster care until whatever happened was figured out. My heart broke. No words can describe the heart ache I felt when they said that. I was a bad mom. My son was being taken away. I failed him. Steve talked me into leaving that night. We went home, and I wrote out everything I could about Anthony. What he liked, what he didnt like. What kind of diapers to use. What not to give him. Anything I could think, I wrote. He was in the hospital almost a week. I went and saw him a few times. Im not proud of that. The day he was leaving, I went there. I gave the social worker the letter I wrote for the foster parents. Said good bye to Anthony and left. I couldnt be there when they took my baby. When he left and it wasnt with me. My mom stayed though. She barely left his side.
Through the next few months we were being questioned as to what happened. It was determined that his injuries happened sometime Thursday. Even after being told this by the doctors, I still didnt believe it. Steve kept insisting he did nothing. Even blamed my mom. Sometime over the summer a cop came looking for Steve. He had a warrant out for theft from when he worked at Pizza Hut. He happened to not be there at the time. I said I didnt know where he was. At the end of August he had to go out of town for work. He was working with a friend. He had to go to North Carolina. He was coming home August 31. August 30 my water broke. I wasnt due for another 3 weeks. Jenn took me to the hospital and stayed with me. She was the only one there when I had Jonathan. Three weeks after Jonathan was born, I was arrested for Neglect of a Dependant resulting in serious bodily injury. A class B felony.
Thats when I started to open my eyes. Here I was going to jail. Steve was hiding out back. I was having to hand my 3 week old baby to Carla.
Thats where this story gets more complicated. Thats for another time though. Too many emotions right now.
I was going to school and Steve was watching Anthony for me. I was sitting in the computer lab one day and we were talking on chat. Then he went quiet for a few minutes. Came back and said that Anthony was choking on a banana and when he went to smack his back to get it out Anthony turned and he got his face. I left school and went home to make sure he was ok. It was about a 20 minute drive. When I got home and saw Anthony's face I just started to cry. He had a huge bruise on his face. You could see the marks from Steves fingers. That right there should have been another red flag. But I believed him. I even took the blame and said I did it. Not that any one believed me, but I tried saying it was me. A few weeks after that we ended up moving in next door to Jenn. Rent was very cheap. I was still going to school and had even started doing my externship for school at the doctors office down the road. Things were going really good. April 3 my life changed forever. It was a Thursday, and I had to do my externship in the morning, doctor in the afternoon, and school at night. After working, I ran home to see if Steve was going to the doctor with me. Since we didnt really have a lot of gas he told me to just go and go to school. Anthony was sleeping on the floor so I just left him be. Didnt want to upset him by coming home for a few minutes and leaving again. I got home that night about 830 or so. Anthony was next door at Jenns. She said she gave him a bath and put some Vicks on his chest because he seemed to be getting sick. I didnt think anything of it. It was that time of year for his allergies to act up anyways. I took him and held him for a few minutes at home before putting him to bed. Then I sat on the couch to do homework. About 9ish there was a knock on the door. I just thought it was Steves mom, Carla. It was my mom. She had never been there, and here she was standing in my door way. She came in and we started arguing a little. Steve had been laying down and came out of the room and started cussing and went next door. Anthony ended up getting woken up so I went and got him. He went straight for my mom. He loved her. Thats when she started saying something was wrong with him. Said his lips were turning blue. I didnt see it. Yeah he was sick, but I didnt think it was anything more then that. After a few minutes of arguing about it, we took him to the ER. The doctor said it was probably just a cold and he was doing an xray to rule out pneumonia. The nurse had been talking to us about getting new tooth brushes and making sure we werent spreading it back and forth. Thats when the doctor came in and sat down. I will never forget those words. He said "We have a very sick little boy on our hands" I thought he had severe pneumonia or something. More horrifying words followed...."he has several broken ribs, and a punctured lung." He needed to be transferred to a bigger hospital more capable of handling things like this. I broke down. My mom started yelling at Steve asking him what he did, and yelling at me that she knew something was wrong. At that moment I wanted her far away from me. I wanted nothing to do with her. I just wanted to hold my baby. Jenn had gotten there at some point. Since I was pregnant I couldnt go with Anthony to get the CT scan so Jenn went for me. My grandparents were called. Aunt Mimi had been up there already because her biological dad was there. Aunt Sue came up there. I dont know that I could really explain how I was feeling. Somewhere in me I think I knew Steve did something. At that moment I wanted another explanation. He was so good at manipulating me though and telling me what I wanted to hear. Unless you are in that situation you dont know the power someone could have over you. Even in a situation like this. I turned my back on my entire family for him. I trusted him. He was supposed to keep me and Anthony safe.
Anthony ended up getting transferred to Christ Hope Hospital in Oaklawn, IL. I had never been in a hospital this big before. It was like a scene from ER when all the doctors surrounded the patient to find out what was wrong. I wasnt allowed in there with him. I stood outside his room. This man came and stood with me. I later found out he was the minister of the hospital. He kept asking me if I needed to sit down. He noticed I was pregnant. I just kept telling him no thank you. I wanted to be able to run in that room when they said I could. When I was able to see him he had a chest tube put in the drain the blood from his lungs. He had to stay a few days. My mom came up there and while we were sitting in his room someone from social services came . I wasnt allowed alone with Anthony because they didnt know what happened. I was devastated. Thats when she said he wasnt coming home with me either. He was going into foster care until whatever happened was figured out. My heart broke. No words can describe the heart ache I felt when they said that. I was a bad mom. My son was being taken away. I failed him. Steve talked me into leaving that night. We went home, and I wrote out everything I could about Anthony. What he liked, what he didnt like. What kind of diapers to use. What not to give him. Anything I could think, I wrote. He was in the hospital almost a week. I went and saw him a few times. Im not proud of that. The day he was leaving, I went there. I gave the social worker the letter I wrote for the foster parents. Said good bye to Anthony and left. I couldnt be there when they took my baby. When he left and it wasnt with me. My mom stayed though. She barely left his side.
Through the next few months we were being questioned as to what happened. It was determined that his injuries happened sometime Thursday. Even after being told this by the doctors, I still didnt believe it. Steve kept insisting he did nothing. Even blamed my mom. Sometime over the summer a cop came looking for Steve. He had a warrant out for theft from when he worked at Pizza Hut. He happened to not be there at the time. I said I didnt know where he was. At the end of August he had to go out of town for work. He was working with a friend. He had to go to North Carolina. He was coming home August 31. August 30 my water broke. I wasnt due for another 3 weeks. Jenn took me to the hospital and stayed with me. She was the only one there when I had Jonathan. Three weeks after Jonathan was born, I was arrested for Neglect of a Dependant resulting in serious bodily injury. A class B felony.
Thats when I started to open my eyes. Here I was going to jail. Steve was hiding out back. I was having to hand my 3 week old baby to Carla.
Thats where this story gets more complicated. Thats for another time though. Too many emotions right now.
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