New Years Eve

I have big plans for 2012.  Im starting the new year right.  Im going to go on a diet and start working out.    I have a total of about 80 pounds I would like to lose.  I just have to remember it takes time to see results.  Sure it will be hard work, but in the end I will be a lot happier.  Just gotta take one day at a time.  First change Im making is Im not buying pop anymore.  Ill allow myself one once in awhile, but I wont buy it.  I have some Jillian Michaels work out videos down loaded that I can use.  Plus the Zumba.  Even if I only do a couple routines in Zumba.  Its worth it.  I have to realize that I am fat, but dont have to be that way.  One day at a time.  I know I keep saying that, but thats what I need to remember.  Gonna buy more fruits and veggies to snack on.  It will be a good thing for the kids to see too.
Im excited for things to come for us as a family too.  Lots of good things are coming for us.  Ryan get hired on in a few weeks.  Thats huge for us.  I will be able to see the doctor and finally get back on meds to help me.  I cant wait for life to get better and better :)

Enough is enough

I have decided that enough is enough.  No more excuses.  No more bullshit.  I am going to lose weight this coming up year.  Im going to get everything in place to be able to have a routine to work out.  I have to make the effort more.  Im tired of not fitting in my clothes anymore.  When we go on vacation in July I want to feel better about myself.  I know realistically I wont be where I want to be, but I will be on my way at least.  Its not going to be easy, but I will take it one day at a time.  Set a goal to do and stick to it.  I need to get a new scale since mine doesnt work anymore.  Im going to do measurements once a week and weigh in once a week.  No one is going to do it for me, and the only way to lose the weight is to get off my ass.  This year will be different.

Grandpa

As I sit here thinking about tomorrow, I remember 3 years ago.  I remember the nurse telling Grandma to go ahead and go home and get some rest that nothing was going to happen for awhile.  It was also Johns birthday.  I felt so bad for him to be spending his birthday at hospice waiting for Grandpa to die.  I always knew that I had a special bond with Grandpa, but didnt really realize the bond my cousins had with him until that day.  I saw the same sadness in Johns eyes as I felt.  Even talking to John I could hear the sadness.  Sadness that I felt.  I felt like I lost a dad.  Grandpa had been there for me for so many things.  What was I going to do without him?  Who was I going to turn to?  The pain of losing him was almost as bad as losing my mom.  My mom.  I know she was there waiting for him and he went to her and hugged her tightly.  He was with his baby girl again.  The sadness in his eyes was gone now.

Happy Birthday Kevin

Today you would have been 29.  So much has happened since you died.  The kids miss you.  We miss you.  Your mom has such a sadness in her eyes.  I wish there was something I could do to make it go away, but I know theres not.  Yesterday you would have found out Michelle is pregnant.  I know how much you loved all your nieces and nephews, and I have no doubt you would have loved this news.  Im sure you would have had a few smartass things to say about Shawn becoming a dad.  The news yesterday made me thrilled for them, but sad.  I know what a great uncle you were to my kids and Loris girls.  You loved them all.  It makes me sad that the kids will grow up without you.
Saturday is your party.  You know Ryan B will have it every year.  We will never forget you.  You will always be a part of our life no matter what.

Happy Birthday Kevin.  I hope you are partying with your dad today.  Watch over us Saturday as we celebrate you.

Where were you?

This coming Sunday will mark the 10 year anniversary that we were attacked at the World Trade Towers.  That is a day I will never forget.  While I am not from New York, and have never even been there, the attacks affected everyone.  I was not directly affected.  I did not know anyone there.  I did not know anyone that knew someone there even.  I was just a person sitting on my couch watching the news that day when the tragedy unrolled before our eyes.

That day had started like any other day.  Woke up with Anthony who was only 3 months old at the time, and turned the TV on to watch the news.  Mom had gotten up at some point and was watching it with me.  It was our little routine.  We would watch the news every morning.  I loved watching WGN out of Chicago.  When the first plane hit I remember them saying that something flew into one of the Towers.  I went to the kitchen to finishing making my bagel when my mom said "OH MY GOD!" The second Tower was just hit.  Clearly it was not an accident.  We were under attack.  We watched in horror as the smoke poured from the towers.  You could see people jump from the building.  I was in shock.  I could not believe we were actually witnessing this.  As the day would unfold we would learn of another plane going down.  One in Pennsylvania. We would later learn the intended destination of that plane was the White House.  Only the passengers on that plane fought back.  If it wasnt for them the terrorists would have hit the White House.

Its a day that is etched in history forever.  My kids will learn all about that day.  They will ask me where I was and what I was doing on that day.

So....where were you on that day that America changed?

First day of school

Ahhh the first day of school.  Ive been waiting for this day for a few weeks now.  The boys on the other hand, not so much.
This morning I saw the nervousness in Anthonys face when he left for the bus.  I saw him biting his lip.  Just like I do when Im nervous.  He was ready though.  I remember taking him to his first day at Head Start.  He was 3.  It was after Christmas break.  He had that same nervous look on his face.  So shy.  You could tell he just wanted the other kids to like him.  He wanted to have lots of friends, but didnt know how to talk to them.  I could only imagine him walking into his class today and seeing kids from Vinton.  Being nervous about the other kids, but hopeful he may make a new friend.  I know he was worried about his locker.  He was so worried he would forget his combination.  Which he did, but I told him it would take a few days to get used to remembering it.

We decided to take Jonathan and Dylan this morning so we could show them where to go.  Its a new school for Jonathan this year, and Dylan of course its his first year at school period.

We took Jonathan to class first.  He stood there very nervous.  I talked to the teacher a minute to make sure she knew he had to ride the bus to Sunnyside.  One last look over my shoulder and I was leaving my 2nd grader with his new class of potential friends.

Then it was time to take Dylan to his class.  I saw Mrs. Black from preschool.  Her daughter is in his class too.  Thats when Dylan started getting nervous.  He clung to Ryans hand as we weaved to his class.  I stood out side for a minute taking a couple pictures.  Then I made my way to his desk where he was sitting with Ryan.  I took some more pictures.  Got excited when I saw his name on the desk.  He sat there not saying much.  He was very quiet.  Which is not like Dylan at all.  We said good bye and walked out of the class.  Leaving my youngest son to sit there and wonder what the day hold for him.

I wish all my boys a wonderful school year.  I hope they make lots of new friends and many more memories to carry with them through their lives.

Summer Days

Summer for me growing up meant lazy days in Grandmas pool and helping Grandpa with the gardens and fruit/veggie stand.  Many days was I left in charge of running the stand while Grandpa went to get more produce.  Little did I know that would teach me a valuable lesson.  I think Grandpa knew what he was teaching me without saying it.  I learned how to count change back, which to a lot of people is not an easy thing to do.  For me its second nature.  I also got unlimited time with him.  Precious time that I took for granted.  We would sit for hours out front and talk about nothing and everything.  I remember this one time Jack dared me to bite into a jalepeno pepper.  I did because he dared me and swore it wasnt hot.  Liar.  My love for cantelope started at the stand.  Grandpa would cut into peaches and juice would run down his arm.  Those were the good ones.  The ones that just melted in your mouth.  Whenever someone would come that had never been there, he had a good way of convincing them to buy more than they stopped for.  "Here try this" he would say.  They would because they didnt want to be rude, and more times than not they bought whatever he gave them.  So many times he would have me run to one of the gardens to grab some sort of veggie he needed for a customer.  He had so many loyal customers.  People that would come and tell him how they went to the store and wanted corn and got some only to be disappointed when they ate it.  He told me a story one time about how to test the perfect watermelon.  He went on to tell me how he would sneak into watermelon patches at night and put one hand on one side of the watermelon and very lightly tap with one finger on the other side.  If you could feel it on your hand without hearing it, its a good one.  If he saw someone shaking a cantelope he would ask them why they were shaking it.  They always told him...."To see if its ripe".  He would just shake his head and smile.  "Here, let me show you how to tell" he would say as he took the melon from them.  He would scratch where it was cut from the vine and smell.  If it smelled ripe, it was good.  If he was here today I would thank him for my wonderful summer memories that I have.  The memories that I had almost forgotten.

Kevin

I can not believe its been a year already.  While your accident wouldnt have happened yet, today is the day.  I remember this day and the next so vivid still.  A year ago I talked to you.  You called to talk to Ryan and I answered the phone.  Your number is still programmed in our phone.  When we go up North we still go by your house.  Oh how I miss living 3 doors down from you.  Dylan loved being able to go to your house.  He loved when you would come over.  You used to call and tell us you were on the way.  Hours later me and Ryan would look at each other and wonder where you were.  Happened all the time.  You would get side tracked.  We would laugh about it later.  Dylans last birthday you were there for was his favorite.  He still talks about his favorite present.  The Dog N Suds root beer you gave him.  The boys loved you. We all loved you.  I wish Cassidy would have been able to know you.  I know you adored her.  I tell her often that she has a special angel looking over her.  

I wrote this after you died.....

Wednesday August 4, 2010 started like any other day.  Kids got up and watched some tv.  I drank some coffee while messing around on the computer.  I had to find out what was on sale every where.  I had to check and see if anyone posted anything on facebook while I was sleeping.  Checked in on babygaga too.  I looked to see if there was any drama that looked like fun to read.  There wasnt.  I decided I was going to Meijer so I could get back home faster and relax the rest of the day. Denise, Lori, Haley, and Brooke were in Indy that day for Brooke's doctors appointment.  I figured I would get back home in case they stopped by.  So the kids and I left about 1030 and went to Meijer.  We went and got what we needed at the store and came home.  We got home right before noon.  I grabbed the mail before we came in the house.  I looked through it and saw a letter from Anthony's school about what bus he was riding, and a letter addressed to me with no return address.  My name and address were typed.  I ripped it open not knowing what it was and saw the letter from the judge signed!  Jonathan was legally mine and I didnt have to worry about anyone coming and taking him again!!  I threw the few things in the fridge on my way to grab the phone and see if anyone called.  I saw the red light flashing saying we had messages.  I looked to see who called.  Denise, Shawn, and Lori all called.  I didnt pay attention to the times of any of the calls.  I didnt call and check voice mail, I just called Lori.  I knew she was in Indy and I was hoping she wasnt lost.  She answered the phone and I said, "Hey Lori I saw you called.  I didnt check the voice mail, I figured you may need directions or something." 

"No. Um actually is Ryan up.  I need him right now."  She sounded upset about something.

I said, "Is everything ok?"  I was worried.

All she said was "Kevin"

I knew something was wrong.

As we were talking I was walking to my bedroom to wake Ryan up.  I opened my door and yelled his name and threw the phone at him almost and told him to get up its Lori on the phone.  Something is wrong with Kevin.  All I remember Ryan saying is "What?" and "Ill be there as soon as I can"  When he hung up I said whats wrong.

"Kevin was in a car accident and I think he's dead."  The words made me almost fall.  My heart fell to my stomach.  I started shaking.  "What?!?"  "How!?!?"  I didnt know what to say. 

Ryan went on to say he didnt know the details, but Kevin was in an accident and hes dead.  He didnt want to be bothered.  All I wanted to do was hold him and cry with him.  I didnt know what else to do.  Ryan started making the phone calls he needed to for work.  I started packing the kids a bag.  I didnt know where they were going, but they were going somewhere for the night if not longer.  I dont remember what clothes I threw in there, nor did I care.  I just knew we needed to leave and get to Denise as soon as possible.  I knew she needed us more then anything right then. 

When Ryan was done with the phone I called Beth.  She didnt answer.  I normally wouldnt leave a message, but this time I waited for the machine to pick up.  I thought maybe she was in the middle of lunch or something and didnt want to answer.  Well too bad.  Youre going to answer your phone dammit.  I walked outside so I didnt have to say those words out loud in front of Ryan and the kids.  The kids.  How was I going to tell the kids.  When Beths machine came on I said," Beth you need to answer your phone.  Im not kidding.  Its an emergancy.  I need you.  Now!" 

Michael answered, "Whats going on?"

I didnt even know what to say.  I didnt know how to say it.  I just remember saying "Kevin was in an accident and he died." 

Of course Michael was in shock.  Same as me.  What the fuck do you mean Kevins dead??  This is a bad dream right?  No.  No it wasnt.  This was reality.  A reality where Kevin was dead and he is just a memory now.  After talking to Michael for a minute while he tried getting ahold of Beth, I called her cell phone.  She didnt answer the first time.  She called right back though.  She asked what was going on.  Im glad she stayed calm.  I was shaking.  I couldnt stop.  I just wanted to collapse.  Kevins dead.  Those words just keep ringing through my ears.  I ask her to take my kids for me for the night.  We were going up north.  Denise needed us.  We needed her.  I came in the house and Ryan was sitting in the computer room with a blank look on his face.  I came in and put my arms around him and held him while he cried.  He still didnt want to talk about it.  I didnt blame him.  I didnt either.  I didnt want it to be real.  How could this happen?  Is this really happening?  Why?  All kinds of questions ran through my head. 

We went and dropped the kids off at Beths about 4pm.  Ryan tried calling his boss again to talk to her directly.  She wasnt in yet.  We talked to Beth for just a few minutes then we were on the road.  I drove, and the closer we got to Hebron the more my stomach was in knots.  What were we going to say to Denise?  When we finally got to Hebron we went straight to Loris.  Adam was there with Doug.  Denise, Lori, Julie, Shawn, and Michelle went to the coroners office and would be back soon.  The hardest thing to do was wait for them to get back.  How were we going to face them? 

It still feels like a bad dream sometimes.  My heart still breaks for everyone.  Theres still such pain in everyones eyes.  Its not fair dammit.  Keep watching over us Kevin.  We love you and miss you every single day.

Death does not change who we are. 
The old life that we lived so fondly together remains in our memories. 
Whatever we were to each other, that we still are. 
Call me by the old familiar name. 
Speak of me in the easy way which you always used. 
Put no sorrow in your tone. 
Laugh as we always laughed at the little jokes that we enjoyed together. 
Play, smile, think of me, pray for me. 
Let my name be ever the household word that it always was. 
Let it be spoken without effort. 
Life means all that it ever meant. 
It is the same as it ever was. 
There is unbroken continuity. 
Why should I be out of mind because I am out of sight? 
I am but waiting for you, for an interval, somewhere very near, just around the corner.
All is well. Nothing is hurt; nothing is lost. 
One brief moment and all will be as it was before. 
How we shall laugh at the trouble of parting, when we meet again.

Sent: Friday, March 2, 2007 6:08 PM
Subject: Reba Update

Hi, Everyone!!!

Well, it has been a while since I have given you an update on me. Well, I was unable to do the experimental drug thing, but that is ok. I am taking 150mg of temodar for six weeks on two weeks off. I feel GREAT!!!! I am not getting sick or anything. Still Have My hair that has grown back and I am not gaining a lot of weight this time either. I am still amazed at the amount of joy I feel everyday now. I can truly say I now know what true Joy is. God Is, sooo amazing....

Well, I am keeping this one short just to let you know how I am for now...Let you know more soon.

Love and God Bless, Reba

Sent: Tuesday, October 31, 2006 3:38 PM
Subject: Love Ya

One morning you will never wake up. Do all your friends know you love them? I was thinking...I could die today, tomorrow or next week, and I wondered  if I had any wounds needing to be healed, friendships that needed rekindling or three words needing to be said. Let every one of  your friends know you love them. Even if you think they don't love you back, you would be amazed at what those three little words and a smile can do.
And just in case GOD calls me home before I see you again....... I LOVE YA!!!
Live today to the fullest because tomorrow is not promised.

I sent this email to a few people about the first year my mom was gone



As tomorrow gets closer and closer I sit and wonder how tomorrow will be.  Will we sit and cry for someone we no longer have?  Will we sit and cry over memories we made with her?  Will we laugh at our memories of her?  As hard as it is without my Mom I remember all the lessons she taught me in my short life with her.  I remember all the laughter we shared.  All the tears we shed together.  My tears pour down my cheeks as I write this now thinking about my Mom.  I think about how I think she would want us all to be tomorrow on her first anniversary in heaven.  She wouldn't want us to cry and be sad.  She would want us to cry tears of joy for she is in the best place anyone could ever ask for.  She was a fighter and I want everyone to remember how she fought and wouldnt give up.  Remember that everyday and fight.  Never give up.   My Mom touched many people in her life.  My brothers and I arent the only ones its hard on.  We lost our Mom, Grandma and Grandpa lost their daughter, Aunt Sue, Aunt Mimi, Uncle Chuck, Aunt Linda, and Aunt Jean all lost a sister.  We all lost someone who showed us how to be strong when cancer strikes.  So tomorrow when you feel the tears, try and remember the fun times we all had with her.  Remember her laugh.  Remember the good days with her and try not to be sad.  Remember she is here with us all the time.  Remember to dance on the beach with her. 

 

Love,

Patti

Im going to say it again....Lets all dance on the beach with her!

Mom

I hate that you died and left me here.  I hate that you arent here anymore for me to call and talk to.  I feel like I have no one to talk to about things right now.  I can call Aunt Jean, but she has her own problems that I dont want to pour more on her.  I just want to be happy and stay happy. I miss you more and more every day.  I want to call you and tell you how you were right about Beth.  That she really isnt my friend.  Took me awhile to figure it out.  I want to call you and bitch about Ryan being an asshole.  Most of all I just want to hear your voice again.

The bigger person

Over the past 7 years of our friendship there are many things that I wanted to say but didnt.  Things that I didnt want to say because Im not a mean person to my "best friend".  Things I thought would hurt your feelings.  So I didnt say them.  Since that email things have obviously been different.  You said some pretty mean things.  You say they were truthful, and maybe there was some truth to it.  I know I would never say the things you said to me to any kind of friend.  You tell me that you felt used.  So I stopped telling you things.  Why would I want to share any part of my life with someone for fear that they are going to say I used them?  The things you have done for me I appreciated.  You were able to help me in ways others couldnt.  But to throw that in my face now all the time is uncalled for.  Yes you did stuff for me.  Dont tell me I didnt appreciate it.  I really wish you wouldnt have done anything for me.  Then you wouldnt be able to say how much you did for me.  

You like to make comments on how Dylan is ADD or ADHD because of how he acts.  Ive talked to the doctor and the teachers.  No one is concerned about it but you.  But no matter what I say to you about it, he has it in your eyes.  Yeah Ive joked about it, but really that was because I didnt want to tell you to shut the hell up.  

You say how Cassidy controls me because she wont let me put her hair up, or because she wanted to wear a certain out fit one day.  Who cares if she wants her hair up?  Or if she wants to wear a skirt when its a little chilly?  Im not going to force her to let me put her hair up.  She will want it up one day.  If not oh well.  

It seems like nothing I do with my kids is "right" in your eyes.  Whether its the way they act, or how I discipline them you always have a comment.  Everything I do I feel you judge me and are just waiting to criticize me.  Just like when I was doing the 30 day shred.  You had lots of comments then.  Or when Lori got me Zumba.  Your comment was "is this going to be like the shred?"  Meaning "are you actually going to do it?"  I shouldnt have to prove anything to you.  If I do it then I do it, if not then its ok too.  Instead of encouraging me about any of it you say "prove me wrong".  No.  I wont prove you wrong.  Ill prove it to myself that I can do it.  

You have made plenty of comments about how Ryan and I are.  You like to tell me how miserable I am in my marriage.  Yeah for a little bit I really was.  No marriage is perfect.  I can at least look at my husband and know that I dont lie to him every day.  You are the one that had an affair, not me.  You look at Michael every day and lie to his face.  Dont tell me the mistakes Ive made in my marriage when you betrayed your husband. Dont tell me that its wrong how me and Ryan are, when every single day you live a lie.  I would never say anything to Michael though because thats not my place.  Im not going to ruin your marriage.  You can do that yourself.  

More of Mom's writings

As the dusk comes to settle,
the shadows merging as one.
Before you know it,
twilight falls upon us.
Gripping the earth in a cold winters grasp,
never knowing who will last.
Maybe no one,
maybe just a few.
With all God's blessings to see first light morning dew.

11-11-1999




The fear and tears are just below the surface.
The fear that you are about to leave, never to return.
The tears are there waiting to be shed when you are gone.
The emptiness they leave is like a hole that burns all the way through my being.
The pain is so intense it seems to numb me all over.
Happiness is fading, for the fears and tears are just below the surface.

8-15-1990





They call him by name,
there is no response.
The body intact, the mind gone.
Lost in the jungles of Vietnam.
He sees her face with bright shiny smile, no sign of memory of love gone by.
The mans body is back, the mind gone forever.
This is all they left of their love, so true.
The heat soaked days,
fire bomb nights is all he knows forever more.
No more love and safety, only fear and hate.
The man she loved locked behind the gate of a war torn soldier no one wants to celebrate.

7-29-1990

Pa's cookies

Growing up Christmas was always a great holiday for my family.  I have a lot of great memories of Christmas.  Including the year Lori pushed me on the ice and broke my arm.  Christmas was always about family and getting together.  Grandpa would start making cookies around Thanksgiving time.  Every year I helped him.  That was our thing to do.  I loved helping him make cookies and loved spending time with him.  Looking back I realize how lucky I am to have had a grandpa like him.  Even though I dont make as many as he did, I still make his cookies every year.  Some times they dont turn out as good as his, but the memories are brought back to life when I pull out his recipes.

Chocolate Snowballs

1 1/4 cup butter or margarine

2/3 cup sugar

2 tsp vanilla

2 cups flour

1/8 tsp salt

1/2 cup cocoa

2 cups chopped walnuts (optional)

Cream butter and sugar together.  Add vanilla to the mix.  Add all other ingredients.  Form into balls and chill in the fridge for at least an hour.  Roll into little balls and put on an ungreased cookie sheet.  Bake at 350 for 10-15 minutes.  Let cool and dust with powdered sugar.  

Rosettes (Iron cookies)

1/2 cup flour

1/2 cup water or milk

1 Tbsp sugar

1 egg slightly beaten

1/2 tsp salt

1 Tbsp vegetable oil 

Use a rosette maker and fry in lard.  Put on a paper bag to drain and sprinkle with powdered sugar.

Pecan Tarts

Crust

6 ounces cream cheese

1/2 lb butter

2 cups flour

Blend the 3 ingredients together.  Form into a ball and put in the fridge at least an hour.  Roll out using powdered sugar and cut with a cookie cutter. Press into greased mini muffin tins.  

Filling

1 1/2 cups brown sugar

2 well beaten eggs

3 Tbsp melted butter

1/2 cups chopped pecans

Spoon filling into muffin tins.  Do not over fill.  Bake at 375 for 25-30 minutes.

Filled Cookies

6 ounces cream cheese

1/2 lb butter

2 cups flour

Apricot filling

Prune filling

Blend the 3 ingredients together.  Form into a ball and put in the fridge at least an hour.  Roll out using powdered sugar and cut with a cookie cutter.  Spoon a small amount of filling onto each circle.  Fold and pinch the sides together.  Bake at 375 for 15-20 minutes.  Let cool and sprinkle with powdered sugar.

Candy

32 ounces white bark

4 Tbsp peanut butter

2 cups peanuts

2 cups pretzel sticks, crushed 

2 cups rice crispies

Melt the white bark and peanut butter in the microwave.  Stir in the other ingredients.  Spoon onto wax paper.  Let harden.

There you have it.  Family favorites!

Mom's writings

Anyone that really knew my Mom knew she loved to write.  I actually have a few of her writings. Some have dates and others dont.



In the arms of safety I will be.
Forever held in warm desire,
never to fall again.
The safety is there,
hand and hand with security.
Love will help hold them together,
bonded throughout eternity.
For now you hold their key,
forever more in love to see

Reba
7-16-1990





Here we stand going day by day.
Letting our love show the way.
One day at a time is what we said,
Time flies by mounting into weeks, months
and hopefully the years will soon mount up.
Never ending,
not to go without your sweet touch.

Reba
7-16-1990



Daughter

Tiny hands and tiny feet,

snuggled beneath the woolen sheep.

So sweet and smallbarely two feet tall

never again to be so small.

Her rosy cheeks, her dimpled smile,

just for her I'd walk a mile.

I can't believe God gave her to me, 

or how wonderful having a daughter could be.

By: Reba

The fear and tears are just below the surface.

The fear that you are about to leave, never to return.

The tears are there waiting to be shed, when you are gone.

The emptiness they leave is like a hole that burns all the way through my whold being.

The pain is so intense it seems to numb me all over.  

Happiness is fading, for the fears and tears are just below the surface.

He started out all pink and small.

The nurse brought him in.  

Such a tiny bundle to see for someone who made my belly swell.

At last to see the beautiful baby boy that grew in me.

The nurse put you in my arms and I checked you once, twice, assuring myself you did have ten fingers, ten toes.

Your hair was white blonde.  Not much more then the fuzz on a peach.

Your huge blue eyes drinking in all the wonders of your new world.

You started out allpink and small, not a hint of how fast you would grow.

I can't believe a few short years ago you were looking up at me with wide eyed wonder.

Now , I look up at you, not believing my eyes.

My little tiny baby has grown into such a fine young man.

You over flow with love, understanding, and strength.  Your road so far in life has not been an easy one, but you will grow stronger and continue to become a very fine man.

You have earned the love and respect from a great many people who know you.

I hope you will continue to draw on you inner strength and finish learning how to be a leader who does not have to follow the foot steps of the crowd.

Always remember, never forget that I love, respect, and admire you for the person you are and I will always stand by you no matter what your decisions in life may be.

Loving you always, 

Mom

Broken

Broken hearts, broken dreams, 

Broken lives, torn at the seams.

Broken promises of final school day fun.

The end of life that has just begun.

Broken families, broken friends,

When will it ever end?

By: Reba Spoor

4-23-1999

I have been searching for my missing part.  Someone who will care for me, hold me, accept me as I am and not expect me to give them more than they give me.

All my life I have had only bits and pieces of this person in whomever I was with.

Until now, he has shown me that he has feelings, he somewhat accepted me, he did not ask of me what I could not offer at this time.  Mostly all I have really wanted was to be held and made to feel like he never wanted me to go, as much as I wanted to stay.  And he gave that to me, I must thank him for those brief and very precious in my heart moments.

Sadly I must admit thought that he does not care, want, or need me like I may have needed him.

I am scared to try and search once more for I cannot withstand the pain.  The tears have all gone through the cases and stained my pillow with hurt forever.

I joke and laugh, so I dont cry in anyones presence.  The pain is getting worse though and my friends see it and they feel its wrath.

Why couldnt he tell me it was nothing or good-bye?  Why did he have to come over and hold me again?  Why say you will call, when you really wont?  Why let me open up and talk to you, laugh, and joke?  Is this all some sort of game you like to play?  Or is it just someone else leading the dance in your life?  Your missing part that made you whole?

I wish that I could just wipe away these feelings I have and draw myself a silent part to make me whole...to help me complete my lifes journey without hesitations or regrets.

I feel lost and alone, so much to give to someone special.  Someone who wants, need, cares about and loves just me, Reba, not the mother, daughter, sister, friend or worker.....just Reba.

He is always there for his little girl, no matter how big she is.

Giving advise even when not asked.

Picking up on problems even Mom may miss.

Giving me enough tomboyishness to survive whatever may come my way.

Buffering the blows between sibling rivalries (even if he knew me to be at fault).

Having an endless supply of love that only a father can have.

Yes, he is a pretty terrific guy, and I hope he could always think of me as Daddy's Little Girl.

With all the love I have for you on this Father's Day, 1986

Reba

Your stature is tall, your arms are strong.

Your face is rugged showing the years of fight.

Your smile is warm, your touch, oh so light

Your embrace is strong and light.

A gentle man not at first sight.

When you are near, the gentle man appears.

Rough on the edges, but warm and precious.

You take me by surprise every time we meet.

There are no weak knees or quivering heartbeat.  

Just a calm.

No up and down uncontrolled emotions, 

just relaxed understanding respect 

and yes, even some love from you.

Reba 7-16-1990

Mother's Day

Mother's Day 2001 I was pregnant with Anthony.  I considered myself a mother at that time.  I was...sorta.  He was just still in my belly.
Mother's Day 2002 I had this amazing little boy.  He was almost 1 and he was the best thing that happened to me.  My Mom was there, and Im sure we went over to Grandmas.  We went there a lot.
Mother's Day 2003 I cried for my little boy.  I cried wanting him to be home with me.  I was pregnant with Jonathan, and life had changed a lot.
Mother's Day 2004 I dont remember if I got to see my kids or not.  I didnt have them.  Hell I was living with Jenn at that point.  I probably worked.
Mother's Day 2005 I had just found out Dylan was on the way a few weeks before.  I had my boys, and life was good.
Mother's Day  2006 I had my 3 wonderful boys.  We had known for a few months about Moms cancer.  Probably went to Grandmas.
Mother's Day 2007 We were told the most horrible thing.  Moms tumor was back.  I will not forget that day. That Mother's Day.  My last Mother's Day with a mom.  The ones before I took for granted.  The ones after were never the same.  I have these amazing kids that made me a mother, but Mother's Day will never be the same.  Sure I can call Grandma or Aunt Jean and tell them Happy Mother's Day, but I want my mom.  I want to call her and tell her Happy Mother's Day.  I want to hear her voice again.  Even just for a minute.  I want her to hug me and tell me everything is going to be ok.

Tomorrow is Mother's Day 2011 and all I want for Mother's Day is to feel my moms hug again.  To hear her voice.  I miss you Mom.

Feeling good

I started Zumba last Monday.  The first day was fun.  I was of course just figuring it out so I was unsure of the moves.  As the days have gone on though I have started to do them much better.  Today I actually did a few of the single dances and then did half of the Zumba Party.  I honestly dont really know what that is, but I checked it out.  Im going to do that tomorrow instead of what I normally do.  Im loving it.  Im going to get a scale on Thursday or Friday and weigh and measure myself.  Even though by then I would have been doing Zumba for almost 2 weeks.  Its ok though.  I was weighed last Monday at the doctor.  Aunt Jean told me she knows someone that lost 4 inches in 3 weeks!  I think if I lost that I would be able to notice in my jeans.  Im impatient.  I want results now.  I think thats why its been hard for me to stick to something in the past.  I got discouraged and gave up.  Not this time.  I camt.  I wont.  Really part of my motivation is because Lori gave it to me for my birthday and I dont want to not use it.  Its an expensive game, and for Lori to give it to me really meant a lot.  So when I feel like not doing it, I just tell myself Lori would be pissed if I didnt do it.  Not that I really think she would be pissed.  I dont think she would be anyways.  Well maybe.  I guess I would be if I gave someone a $50 gift and they didnt use it.  Waste of money.  So thats what I tell myself.  Lori will be pissed if I dont do it.  Its really fun too.  I love when the kids join in too.  Yeah gets annoying, but seeing Cassidy put her hand out if front of her to control the kinect cracks me up.  Or to look over and see Anthony and Jonathan have no rhythm like me.  Or watch Dylan flop his arms and jump up and down.....makes me smile.  I love 'em!

Steve

I guess I have to go back all the to how I met him.  I was in a yahoo chat room just talking and having fun.  Not really looking for anything from anyone.  Anthony was about 17 months old.  I had just broken up with Jason not too long before this.  Well this girl started talking to me.  Turns out it was Misty.  I had dated Aaron in high school and he was still with Misty.  I didnt know until the day I went to his house to surprise him and caught them in bed together.  There went that relationship.  No big deal.  So Misty and I start talking and she tells me how she left Aaron eventually and that he was real abusive.  She said she had a kid with him.  Then this guy starts talking to me.  It was Steve.  He said all the right things.  I was getting infatuated.  We eventually decided to meet when I found out he knew Misty.  They were good friends.  So Misty actually came and picked me and Anthony up and took me to Steve's sisters house where he was living.  My mom didnt like that I was going and taking Anthony.  But hey, I was 20 she couldnt stop me.  I ended up spending the night there.  Jenn wasnt home since she was working as a paramedic at the time.  He was watching her son Xander.  Xander was one of those kids that seemed to hate other kids.  He bit Anthony 2 times that night.  Later I found out that I wasnt the only girl he had going there.  Oh and he had just gotten out of jail for theft.  What seems like should have been a HUGE red flag, I saw the love of my life.  Yeah.  I was young and very stupid.  I wanted someone to love and not get rejected by.  After about a month of us "dating" he came to stay the night and never left.  My mom still didnt like him.  Should have been another red flag. Just after New Years I found out I was pregnant with Jonathan.  I was happy.  Steve was happy.  My mom was not happy.
 I was going to school and Steve was watching Anthony for me.  I was sitting in the computer lab one day and we were talking on chat.  Then he went quiet for a few minutes.  Came back and said that Anthony was choking on a banana and when he went to smack his back to get it out Anthony turned and he got his face.  I left school and went home to make sure he was ok.  It was about a 20 minute drive.  When I got home and saw Anthony's face I just started to cry.  He had a huge bruise on his face.  You could see the marks from Steves fingers.  That right there should have been another red flag.  But I believed him.  I even took the blame and said I did it.  Not that any one believed me, but I tried saying it was me.  A few weeks after that we ended up moving in next door to Jenn.  Rent was very cheap.  I was still going to school and had even started doing my externship for school at the doctors office down the road.  Things were going really good.  April 3 my life changed forever.  It was a Thursday, and I had to do my externship in the morning, doctor in the afternoon, and school at night.  After working, I ran home to see if Steve was going to the doctor with me.  Since we didnt really have a lot of gas he told me to just go and go to school.  Anthony was sleeping on the floor so I just left him be.  Didnt want to upset him by coming home for a few minutes and leaving again.  I got home that night about 830 or so.  Anthony was next door at Jenns.  She said she gave him a bath and put some Vicks on his chest because he seemed to be getting sick.  I didnt think anything of it.  It was that time of year for his allergies to act up anyways.  I took him and held him for a few minutes at home before putting him to bed.  Then I sat on the couch to do homework.  About 9ish there was a knock on the door.  I just thought it was Steves mom, Carla.  It was my mom.  She had never been there, and here she was standing in my door way.  She came in and we started arguing a little.  Steve had been laying down and came out of the room and started cussing and went next door.  Anthony ended up getting woken up so I went and got him.  He went straight for my mom.  He loved her.  Thats when she started saying something was wrong with him.  Said his lips were turning blue.  I didnt see it.  Yeah he was sick, but I didnt think it was anything more then that.  After a few minutes of arguing about it, we took him to the ER.  The doctor said it was probably just a cold and he was doing an xray to rule out pneumonia.  The nurse had been talking to us about getting new tooth brushes and making sure we werent spreading it back and forth.  Thats when the doctor came in and sat down.  I will never forget those words.  He said "We have a very sick little boy on our hands" I thought he had severe pneumonia or something.  More horrifying words followed...."he has several broken ribs, and a punctured lung."  He needed to be transferred to a bigger hospital more capable of handling things like this.  I broke down.  My mom started yelling at Steve asking him what he did, and yelling at me that she knew something was wrong.  At that moment I wanted her far away from me.  I wanted nothing to do with her.  I just wanted to hold my baby.  Jenn had gotten there at some point.  Since I was pregnant I couldnt go with Anthony to get the CT scan so Jenn went for me.  My grandparents were called.  Aunt Mimi had been up there already because her biological dad was there.  Aunt Sue came up there.  I dont know that I could really explain how I was feeling.  Somewhere in me I think I knew Steve did something.  At that moment I wanted another explanation.  He was so good at manipulating me though and telling me what I wanted to hear.  Unless you are in that situation you dont know the power someone could have over you.  Even in a situation like this.  I turned my back on my entire family for him.  I trusted him.  He was supposed to keep me and Anthony safe.
Anthony ended up getting transferred to Christ Hope Hospital in Oaklawn, IL.  I had never been in a hospital this big before.  It was like a scene from ER when all the doctors surrounded the patient to find out what was wrong.  I wasnt allowed in there with him.  I stood outside his room.  This man came and stood with me.  I later found out he was the minister of the hospital.  He kept asking me if I needed to sit down.  He noticed I was pregnant.  I just kept telling him no thank you.  I wanted to be able to run in that room when they said I could.  When I was able to see him he had a chest tube put in the drain the blood from his lungs.  He had to stay a few days.  My mom came up there and while we were sitting in his room someone from social services came .  I wasnt allowed alone with Anthony because they didnt know what happened.  I was devastated.  Thats when she said he wasnt coming home with me either.  He was going into foster care until whatever happened was figured out.  My heart broke.  No words can describe the heart ache I felt when they said that.  I was a bad mom.  My son was being taken away.  I failed him.  Steve talked me into leaving that night.  We went home, and I wrote out everything I could about Anthony.  What he liked, what he didnt like.  What kind of diapers to use.  What not to give him.  Anything I could think, I wrote.  He was in the hospital almost a week.  I went and saw him a few times.  Im not proud of that.  The day he was leaving, I went there.  I gave the social worker the letter I wrote for the foster parents.  Said good bye to Anthony and left.  I couldnt be there when they took my baby.  When he left and it wasnt with me.  My mom stayed though.  She barely left his side.
Through the next few months we were being questioned as to what happened.  It was determined that his injuries happened sometime Thursday.  Even after being told this by the doctors, I still didnt believe it.  Steve kept insisting he did nothing.  Even blamed my mom.  Sometime over the summer a cop came looking for Steve.  He had a warrant out for theft from when he worked at Pizza Hut.  He happened to not be there at the time.  I said I didnt know where he was.  At the end of August he had to go out of town for work.  He was working with a friend.  He had to go to North Carolina.  He was coming home August 31.  August 30 my water broke.  I wasnt due for another 3 weeks.  Jenn took me to the hospital and stayed with me.  She was the only one there when I had Jonathan.  Three weeks after Jonathan was born, I was arrested for Neglect of a Dependant resulting in serious bodily injury.  A class B felony.
Thats when I started to open my eyes.  Here I was going to jail.  Steve was hiding out back.  I was having to hand my 3 week old baby to Carla.

Thats where this story gets more complicated.  Thats for another time though.  Too many emotions right now.